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Jacqueline's Story > Chapters > Introducing The Shadow of Who I Once Was

It Has Been A Rough Year 

Date Range: 2007 To 2008   Comments: 13 Views: 166340
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I am adding this additional chapter to my introduction, because after I initially wrote the introduction, it was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that I have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that I have endured or overcome. 

I wish that I could say that I have completely pulled myself through this period of not knowing who I am, however in contrast, the struggle to regain solid ground has been all uphill and the burden of feeling lost in my world became magnified, more confused, and a period of testing that I am not even sure how I survived this time,  except by the grace of God and the support of my daughters and friends. I am confident, however, that these trials that I have been going through are going to work out for the good, eventually. 

I should probably give a brief overview of what has been going on this past year.  To begin with, when my husband came home from Afghanistan, he was changed, I was changed, we were no longer on the same team or even the same mind set.  When he left, he was my best friend; when he came home, life was a roller coaster going full speed with no brakes!  We have not yet been able to find what we had before he left, and the loss I feel is tremendous. 

In addition to my husband returning as a stranger, my twins were each suffering in completely different ways, one with an eating disorder with image distortion and her sister with depression and disconnection to our whole immediate family.  When they began to suffer with problems beyond my ability to help them with, I suddenly felt as if I was a failure as a mother.  Although my girls today tell me I've been a great mother and should not feel guilty for what they have been going through, I still bear the burden of a helpless mother who so desperately wants to help her babies but cannot.  A terrible depression consumed me and is still weighing heavy over me.  Depression is the most crippling disease a person can develop.  It consumes the very spirit in a person and takes over, relentlessly destroying its captive in ways I can't even begin to understand or describe.   

Because my depression overwhelmed my life, I could not help my Natalie and Ashlie to overcome their problems and both had to leave our home environment to seek help from others who were better equipped than I.  Natalie ended up moving to live with my brother, TJ, for a fresh start, and hopefully healing for the eating disorder, and Ashlie ended up moving to our Pastor's home to stay with his family while I began dealing with a physical illness that was brought on by the depression and stress in my life.

My oldest daughter, Nadia has stayed home with me, and truly she has been my strength through many days when I only wanted to give up.  This time has given us a new, stronger...precious bond in which we share, and together we are facing some of the most difficult challenges, and I thank God every day for blessing me with such an amazing daughter.  Actually...all three of my girls are amazing, and I am so blessed to have them in my life.  Jokingly, I say "I don't know what I ever did right to deserve to be blessed so greatly with such precious girls," but truly, and with all seriousness, they are a gift to my life, and I can't thank God enough for them. 

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Member Since
Aug 2007
Antje Wilsch said:
posted on Nov 27, 2008

Depression is a hard thing to deal with and so much seems to be still UNknown about it and its debilitating effects on people. Nor does treatment seem to be a panacea or work the same for everyone. The only thing I can say to you is that first you're not alone, and second when viewed as a "life" thing it can seem totally overwhelming, so breaking the elements down into pieces can help manage things. For example (and ONLY a toss it out there suggestion!!) is like focusing on your relationship with your husband first. Soldiers coming back have their own (new) demons to deal with and there is help for him. Try to learn and understand who he has changed TO and see if there is still the "there there" (the relationship is worth saving). If it's not, at least you will know with a good conscious that you both tried your very best. Meanwhile don't neglect yourself. But don't try to go and rush and fix everythign at once because most likely you'll end further back from where you began. Small pieces, little things, day by day. It sounds kind of cheesy but otherwise these very deep issues can completely overwhelm. Writing helps too :)

Member Since
Aug 2007
Agnes Williams said:
posted on Nov 27, 2008

That 2009 is better for you dear. I really do.

Member Since
Jan 2008
Art Duvall said:
posted on Nov 29, 2008

Believe it or not there is a success rate among major depression of 80% among those who seek professional help! I've battled it all of the first 61 years of my life. It was only last March when I sought help for combating very serious thoughts of suicide that I found my struggle to be better. For me its as if there was something over the horizon for me, but I didn't see it or attain it. When I saw no hope of ever having hope I thought everything was over. I was wrong. With the correct help from people who know what they're doing because they get paid for it as professionals, I've come to a new understanding of acceptance and a continual striving toward what I call happiness. I've already attained it, but I will maintain it through the hard work of getting well. Persevere!

Member Since
Apr 2008
Sarah Green said:
posted on Dec 15, 2008

There is lots of help out there. Whatever you do, don't be afraid to ask for help. Trying to be strong is not an option. And when you get it, if you don't like it (meds, therapist, etc) then change. No one has to live with depression. Best wishes for you dear...

Member Since
Dec 2007
Scott Davis said:
posted on Dec 20, 2008

I am glad that each of your children have guardian angels in family and friends to help you deal with your tough times. May you be blessed with your life and may you seek to live it fully for Him.
Have a tremendous 2009.  And I hope that you can find the former pieces of yourselves in small momentary miracles of time.
Tell your husband "thanks for serving our country.  Even with the pain and loss that it now carries.
In His grace, scott

Member Since
Sep 2007
Kristina McIntosh said:
posted on Jan 18, 2009

how are you doing? check in w/ us....

Member Since
Nov 2007
Jacqueline Eberhart said:
posted on Feb 14, 2009

Today I am facing a new life, but I am strong and confident and know that I will be victorious!  Thank you all for sticking with me and for reading my story!  I will begin again soon....have had to pull myself together and deal with medical issues that have answered A LOT of questions as to what happened to me 2 years ago....and although I have another steep hill to climb, I have great strength in knowing that I will overcome....and I will make it!  :)

Member Since
May 2009
Klarity Belle said:
posted on Jun 09, 2009

So glad to hear you are doing so well after all you have faced.  I too battle depression, it is a chronic beast of an illness but I am learning that I 'have' it, 'it' doesn't have me and management of it is possible. I Hope you and your girls are all going from strength to strength.

Member Since
Mar 2012
Ngan Do said:
posted on Mar 29, 2012

I think you're strong woman. I hope everything is good with you and your girls in life now and forever. Never give up!

Member Since
Jun 2011
Barbara Bohan said:
posted on May 12, 2012

Sometimes it's not easy to write about the hard times but it can be a healing process. Peace to you.

Member Since
Aug 2008
Sherryl Carrilho said:
posted on May 24, 2012

I too have gone through hard times and wondered what I had done to deserve this "karma".  Today I look back and each and every issue that was overwhelming to me - had prepared me for the next chapter of my life. Whether it was to cope or appreciate more. My best wishes go to you and your partner and your lovely girls

Member Since
Jun 2012
Kenneth Dunning said:
posted on Jun 27, 2012

I really liked your story and was wondering it you would like to share it on our website also: www.myspokenlife.com

Member Since
Jul 2012
bethanyandtammy claridgeandtabib said:
posted on Jul 11, 2012

hey to make you feel, better you should visit our page and comment :) many thanks xxxxxxhttp://www.storyofmylife.com/User/user_story_list.aspx?Chapterid=12749&UserId=189504