I'm sorry that you feel you have to shout it to the internet that I'm crazy, but I realize that I've not been listening to you and maybe this just gets my attention? There is pain in there, mostly from my parents I guess. I'm not a psychiatrist, nor do I want to see one. I don't want to be medicated. I want to be strong and free - free of drugs, free of ties, free of obligations.
I don't mean that as that I want to go around sticking daggers into peoples' hearts, twisting, then walk off laughing.
My mom is gone, my father is nowhere to be found for all intents and purposes. If one chooses to hide from their grown children, is it anything other than just wrong? It's not illegal. My mother left me in a lurch, and was controlling and rather manipulative, but I can't really say that I blame her.
Maybe there is some anger. But I want to live in a world that people say what they mean, and more importantly, mean what they say. I can't take innuendo and snake charm conversations. I need truth, belittling or not, I want to find the truth.
I know you think I should seek help, and maybe one of these days I'll find the strength too. Right now, I ask you, no I IMPLORE of you, am I doing anything wrong? Am I hurting anyone? Even keeping you too often at arm's length, I'm not actively destroying lives, I'm not pushing my body to a slow demise (even though you seem to think I am).
I am young, I am a woman working in a mostly male enviornment, I am aspiring, driven and - maybe - reckless. But I am not harmful and I am not hurtful.
Maybe you could take a little bit of my drive and apply it to yourself? Not a lot, just a little. Everything you do is touched by gold. It's magical - you've never been lost, or hurt, or undefined. You've never been unsure, alone, frightened. Everything you do, you do with conviction. Even your "failures", mild as they are, are opportunities for you. But you've gotten a touch lazy, because golden people often do. They don't understand how hard the rest of the world has to work. It doesn't resonate.
Your magical sense and touch may or may not last- a while, a lifetime. So pick up some drive, meet me in the middle, and let's stop talking and start doing.