this is NOT my writing, just found it on Bebo, want to share:
A miserable winter’s day is the backdrop to my self-portrait. The picture I was painted into a long time ago. A forest of dead surrounds me every way I look, until as far as I can see through this thick blanket of fog. The ground I step on is hard like clay which hasn’t seen water in years. Deep black cracks create some sort of random pattern across this lifeless land.
My presence is confirmed as non-existent. Nobody stops to ask if I’m ok. I must be a ghost, nobody can notice the contrast between me and this choking fog. They must have given up looking a long time ago. I have been lost for so long I’ve stopped counting the days. Alone and desperate, yet still pushing anybody away when they find me.
I used to say it was my way of testing who really was a true friend who cared. One day I would find somebody who would run by my side. They would take me for who I am, not that person I pretend to be. I would find some special person who will help me get better. Now I know that it’s to late to turn back and ask for a hand. I’ve pushed them all away too many times before. And nobody is bound to find such a lifeless soul that camouflages in this empty scenery.
I don’t like it here but that only proves that I don’t like me. Nobody likes me. I am all alone except for that vulture over there. Perched up on that tree branch. Constantly watching me with it’s full attention. It can smell the death drawing near. It smiles with a threatening smirk as it watches me slowly give up. Waiting tor me to give into the temptation to escape this place for good.
Everyday is a day further away from freedom. Everyday is a day closer to freedom. For one day I will no longer call this home. I won’t fear this fog that is slowly trapping me in and suffocating me anymore.Approaching The Curve
his truly is nature in all its beauty. It could be on a postcard, but this is much better. Everything is fresh and full of life, not preserved in a picture to last forever. Everywhere you look is calmness and perfection. It’s a wonder that more people don’t come here but it’s a good thing that they don’t. People and peaceful don’t last long together. Their pollution and selfish desires all too easily destroys places like this.
Out to the left of me is luscious green grass. Countless fields that stretch out to the horizon. All without blemish. Its long blades gently sway in the slight sea breeze. The grass can’t get any greener then this on the other side of the flowing curves of the hills.
To my right there is a white sandy beach. The calm blue ocean comes in from the distant horizon and laps at the spotless sand. Free from humanity, it’s pure and undisturbed. The waves are soothing and almost hypnotic to watch as they role in and out. A flock of seagulls glide through the ambient air without effort. Those birds are free, no concerns about the world. Just flying over this tranquil landscape. One can’t help but feel relaxed around here.
Straight ahead of me is a large orange sun peeking up over the edge of the earth. It’s lovely red glow fills up the sky and warms the world from the previous night. A lovely day must surely be on the way, like every time I come here. The sunrise completes the already magnificent scenery. The road I’m traveling along disappears into the centre of the sun. I stare into the light and it starts to hurt my eye. Now all I can see is sunshine and feel its warmth against my skin.
Surrounded by all this beauty, but I can only imagine its brilliance. I can’t hear the birds and the breeze. Nor the soft crashing of the waves lapping at the sand. I don’t hear any of that. All I can hear is the music that explodes from the speakers in my car. The noise pounds my head. Every individual sound vibrates through my body. Its not comfortable but I only turn the volume up more. It relaxes me. The backing track to the music is the constant and effortless rumble of a thumping V8. I can feel and hear its strength. Its revs are slowly gaining, I can hardly tell, but I know this is louder and faster then any time before.
This is how I escape from the real world. I need to feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. Rocketing across this earth. Piercing through the air. Slowly getting faster. Slowly removing myself from this place. I should probably slow down, but this road is so inviting. I have hardly turned the steering wheel two degrees in the last hour. The road is smooth. It feels like nothing is there. My car keeps accelerating into the sun.
Memories start flashing before my eyes. Like photos in a slideshow. A montage of the significant times in my life. They show me the life I’m leaving behind. I look in the mirror. I have left it behind. Now all I see is this landscape. The sun rising. And a straight road leading to the horizon. I turn the mirror to see my face. I see happiness. A smile for the first time in years looks back at me. I still continue to push harder.
I drift in and out of consciousness. Flicking from nightmare to nightmare. Making me disorientated and uneasy. I turn the music up a little more. It pumps up my anger. It convinces me that I have made the right decision. Now when I look into the sun I can see my answer. It’s calling me. A new day. A new life. The sun is so close now that all I can see is white. Warmth once again reaches to my heart. I feel good for the first time in years. I have reached a new day and a new life. Just in front of me there is the line where the land meets the sky. There is a curve approaching. I make no indications of slowing.