Soooo...last week I had gone to visit my ex in his new house (Rüles ).. a house without me, but his stuff, and this was really strange to see this new life he'd made, mainly just to see him and talk things out..it didn't end up like I wanted it to, and the kicker is, I don't even know why I'm back to caring.
We ended up flirting a bit back and forth and then he kissed me! I wondered if I would feel something. I did but I didn't. For a moment I flirted with the idea of giving us another try and forget about all past. I wanted to run and test out these new feelings for Rüles.
Being single isn't very fun. Especially coming up on the colder weather and holidays. Dating isn't very excieting either - a bunch of creeps with their own problems and agendas. And that all just shows how much I would give to just go back to how things were; when I was happy had someone I could count on to be there for me-to cheer me up when i was down, to turn a bad day into a good one, to listen when i had a problem, to hold me and make everything feel okay....to just BE THERE...
Then he told me he just didn't feel those feelings anymore; the kiss was a mistake. You know, the feelings that make every kiss like heaven, the feelings that make sex "making love,"....and I just couldnt hold back the tears...Sure, I'm not "in love" with him at this point..but I still love him..and I was even willing to start over, to just go on dates and give it time to be like it was..it's so hard for me to believe that a love as strong as what we had could be completely over..that it could just die...I can't let myself believe it...
So, I have asked Rüles if we could start over...to give it another chance and try. In the past there were times when I gave up on the relationship but I tried ot make it work for him even though I didn't want to.
The real question to all this is why do I care NOW? all of a sudden? I was doing fine without him...i mean i haven't been close to being as happy as i was, but i was moving on...what happened? why did i wait to care now..when it could be too late? .......he hasn't told me to bugger off and leave him alone...and he hasn't said no to starting over...all i can do is sit back, wait...