She walked in as she did two years ago, oblivious to the subtle changes in the color of the walls and to the addition of more offices. The second glass door was locked. Confused, she looked around and saw another door to the right that wasn’t there before. A sign stated this was the place to check in.
Gail greeted her cheerfully from behind the big counter, sunken in behind and tucked away in her safe haven. Lucy didn’t recognize her but it was the same lady. Maybe she changed her hair or wore new glasses, Lucy thought. Lucy shook her head, trying to clear the fibro fog.
“I’m here to see Dr. Patterson.” Lucy spoke softly, feeling the people behind her seated in the waiting area.
After the exchange of updated personal information, Lucy checked the coffee pot. Dry. A little boy was roaming back and forth across the room playing with his toys and other things lying around. He was about 8 years old with dark skin and long dark hair that covered his face. He didn’t speak at all but just looked up at Lucy with big brown eyes.
Lucy sat down and looked around. One lady sat quietly reading while a man and a little girl sat further away. Christian music played in the background. Little Daily Bread booklets were stacked on all the end tables.
Then he opened the door. She peeked around to see him. His smile warmed her and immediately put her level of anxiety down a few notches. She wanted to hug him.
Dr. Patterson walked her down the hall to his office commenting on how long it had been since the last time he saw her. Lucy longed to know him outside of his office, wanting to deposit all of his warmth and goodness into her soul. His office stayed the same though there were significant changes all around him. Lucy was comforted in knowing he was still the same dependable doctor.
Not wanting to waste any time, Lucy started right in. She explained to him the fight she had with her husband. She explained how it felt in the home now, a simmer ready to boil.
Tears dripped from her chin. She absently wiped them with her hand, the other hand holding a box of tissues. Lucy continued to talk with determination.
“What can I do?” She asked.
His eyes changed from warm and inviting to slightly hard and reserved.
“There’s the elephant, the big issue here, his anger…”
Moments later, Lucy walked away. Lighter, more confident.
---How can you explain the feeling of slowly dying inside? The pain so excruciating it debilitates you? When there’s someone you love who blames you for their own pain? When you know you can’t do or say anything right? How can you live or breathe?
I have been hardly breathing. I have been breathing shallow for years and I believe my body is telling me that it wants to shut down. It wants to stop breathing.
How do you explain when the pieces are coming together and you have hope without sounding cliché? Knowing I’m not the root cause of all that’s evil?
Thank you God for taking the yoke from me. Thank you for people like Dr. Patterson. They have a hard job. I can’t imagine. Thank you for my blessings. Audrey and Cameron. Mom, Yvette. Lord, please don’t stop. I need you!