Ruth Estelle Burnstein

  1965 -
  City of Birth:
New York City

Ruth's Story

My Entire Life
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It Has Been A Rough Year

I am adding this additional chapter to my introduction, because after I initially wrote the introduction, it was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that I have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that I have endured or overcome.  I wish ...


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Ruth's Story > Chapters > My Entire Life

"My Daughter's Story About her First Love" 


Date Range: 01/01/1965 To 03/10/2009   Comments: 0   Views: 2,560
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My Daughter's Story About her First Love

No, it wasn't love for sure but than what was it? Was it lust? Or was it the loneliness that was driving me towards him? So many questions I had in my mind but I still couldn't find the right answer. I was always told that when you are in love everything changes, life becomes beautiful, you start to care more, you start to worry more but these things never happen to me, so I guess is not love but I had a itch on back of my mind saying that you are in love. Then why wasn't any of this happening to me, why was I still feeling sad? Why did my life still seem same as before?

Ever since I first saw him I couldn't stop thinking about him. After all, he was a beautiful young man; his eyes were ocean blue, his lips look soft and pink, his hair brown and long. I passed him every day in school hallways but the sad thing was he never noticed me. I would see him in all my classes but yet I was invisible to him. I thought I was pretty, with normal blue eyes, light brown hair, and of course I had a good height of 5'8, but yet he never noticed me.

Some time passed but still this crush I had wouldn't go away, I knew in order for it to go away I would either have to move really far away from him or I would have to stand up and tell him how I feel about him but of course I had no guts to tell him how I actually felt for him. More time passed and the next thing I knew it was 2 years and now I was in grade 11 and as time passed I started to realize that this is not a crush, is more than a crush maybe I am in love with a guy who doesn't even know I exist.

I would cry day and night hoping for him to notice me, I had a friend name Cassandra but I call her Casey. She was my best friend and she knew exactly how I felt for him. She was the type of girl who would walk up to any guy and ask him out without thinking twice, I wasn't like her. In 2 years she had more than 10 boyfriends but me, I didn't even have one not because no one asked me out but because I was in love with a guy who was stupid enough to ignore me, other guys would ask me out and I would say no to them. They would get upset with me saying that I was ignorant and that I only care for myself but they didn't know how I actually felt.

I still remember the day when I had a long talk with Casey, she was about to go on her date with Chad (her new bf). She was sitting in my bright pink color painted room, trying to convince me to go and ask Ryan out (I forgot to mention, his name is Ryan).

'Casey you know I would never ask him out, he doesn't even know I exist' I often said the same thing to her but yet she would bring up the topic.

'Yes, I know but seriously? Ashley tell me, what is wrong with girls asking boys out? And you’re not ugly so why would he say no to you' She said, I gave her a smile and a hug. I loved the way she saw problems, she didn't care about the future but she did care about the present, she didn't care what anyone thought about her but she did care when someone looked at her.

'Nothing is wrong with girls asking boys out, but Casey he doesn't even know I am alive' I reminded her, but she just shook her head and went downstairs. 'Than make him know that you’re alive' she said as she went off on her date but I knew that she was going to get back on this topic.

I didn't like staying with my parents; my dad was a man who loved sleeping with other women’s and my mom had no time for me. They weren't rich so they couldn't send me to boarding school but they did made an agreement that I would spend one week with dad and one week with mom. I hated to do this especially when I was with my dad. He would end up bringing girls home at night and the best thing I could do was go outside or shut all the doors and windows so I don't hear what they were doing.

It was my mom's turn so I was at my mom's house, which was comfy and warm but at the same time it was lonely. People often got surprise when they saw that the lights open of our house, mom was busy with her problems. She didn't have time to deal with my life.

I went back upstairs after saying goodbye to Casey, I closed all the lights and tried sleeping but I couldn't stop thinking about how life would be like if I go out with him. Before sleeping I made a promise to myself, I spoke out loud saying 'Tomorrow is a new day, I will make sure to get him to notice me and I will make sure that I ask him out if he doesn't' – and with that I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

The next day wasn't bad at all, I had a plan in mind but again I was nervous. I had to get him to notice me so when I went to class, I saw that no one was there and he was sitting alone listening to music. I went and sat beside him; he looked at me and gave me a smile. I can't explain how happy I was to see him do that, just one smile and my heart started to beat faster than it was already beating. I was glad that he was listening to music or else he would have heard my heart beat.

I had to say something to him, but what? Since I was already nervous some words came out of my mouth in a shaky voice - 'Can you tell me what we did yesterday? I wasn't here...' I said in a low voice.

'I'm sorry what did you just say?' He asked as he removed the headphones from his ears.

'I was just wondering if you can tell me what you guys did yesterday in class...' I said to him, this time my voice was strong but only I know how nervous I was inside. He told me what was done in class and than the rest of the class I didn't look or talk to him. I was afraid that if I turn around to look at him, he might think that I am weird.

I made small conversations everyday but it was hard because each time I saw him my voice would disappear.

This went on for about two months till the dance came. I didn't had a date when someone asked me I said no because I wanted to keep myself available for Ryan but he didn't ask me out not till the day before the dance. Every day I would go to school hoping for him to ask me out and when he finally did, I couldn't help but cry. He thought that I was acting weird by crying but it was hard to control the tears that were coming out of my eyes.

The day of the dance came and I was really excited, maybe more than I have ever been. I wore the best dress and I tried to look as gorgeous as possible. He came to pick me up and off we went to the dance.

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