| It Has Been A Rough Year |
I am adding this additional chapter to my introduction, because after I initially wrote the introduction, it was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that I have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that I have endured or overcome. I wish ...
| The Birth of Charles Leonard Wiggins |
The story has already been written for awhile on my blog "From the heart of Praise, Prayer and Perseverance. 0; Here is a link to that posting, Below are the pictures of the blessed event.
http://fromthehea rt-dotwigg.blogsp ot.com/2008/03/an other-2-prayer-re quest-answered.ht ml
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Kristen's Story > Categories > Interesting People
| Date Range: 05/16/1912 To 12/31/2009 ||
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Doesn't have the same ring as Brother, but one day a friend FW'd me an email and asked if this blog was mine. I read it, intrigued, and immediately realized that I was in the presence of a far better writer, but one who not only eerily has a similar writing style and voice to mine, but who almost frighteningly puts into words many of the things I'm thinking but can't figure out how to actually articulate.
Such is one such post:
http://fahrenheit519.blogspot.com/2010/10/hater-tuesdays-28-some-days.html Sometimes I get so tired.
Of rising above. Of turning the other cheek. Of being the bigger person. Making lemonade, doing the right thing, fighting the good fight.
When do I get to sink below? Be the smaller person? Do the wrong thing?
When do I get to be a flaccid or inept or ineffective or just plain mean employee, a walking tort who gets to take home a six figure paycheck no matter how poorly I treat others? When do I get to choose to not have to work and get to have someone else attend to all of my financial needs (and feel that I rightfully deserve it)? When do I get to walk around with a negative attitude, believing that the world revolves around me? When do I get to be acid, lazy, spoiled, ignorant, and unconscious? When do I get something for nothing?
Sometimes I think I'm just, as Henry Hill says in Goodfellas, a sucker. A gullible girl who bought the Horatio Alger myth and did all the right things - went to school, avoided scrapes with the law, never had children out of wedlock, patiently worked my way up the ladder - when I might as well have just blown off school and either parlayed my uterus into some sort of material security or become a criminal genius, traveled on borrowed money and declared bankruptcy and waited that out in a rent controlled apartment, stuck it to subletters and lived rent-free during the dotcom boom, backstabbed colleagues and subordinates, stolen their ideas, looked out always for #1?
What use is there, I sometimes wonder, in trying to be better than? Better than what? My parents, my relatives, my neighbors, my landlords, my colleagues and coworkers, my shadow side? Or, when do I get to stop being the example? Of the girl from the broken home who turned out just fine, considering. Of what focus and hard work and persistence can get you. Of how someone with moxie, grit, spunk, whatever you want to call it, can carve a life out of nothing and make it something?
Some days, days like today, I get tired of counting my blessings. Of remembering to be grateful for everything. Of taking the path of least resistance. Just for one day, one hour, I want to get away with being mean, ineffective, petty, pampered, and predatory. I want to fail to meet everyone's needs: my boss, my work colleagues, my friends, even my dogs. I want to take the halo off and throw the gauntlet down. I want to complain, I want to show up late, I want to come unprepared, not return calls, let requests for information die a slow, quiet death. I want to have a baby without figuring out how to afford it, I want to blow off my bills, I want to rest easy at night knowing that if I don't earn my own keep, someone else will pay my way. I want to get brutally honest and singe the psyche of others for years with well-chosen word bombs. I want to drive right over roadkill without feeling sad. Just for a minute, I want to see what it feels like to walk around cocooned in entitlement and unconsciousness........... just to see how it feels.
We've never met. In only cyber-stalk her through her blog and don't even leave enough comments to remind her I'm there, but I'm always there. Reading. Hers isn't even a blog I think about or that riles me up or makes me laugh or cry. It's just one that I read that I say time and time again, "I should have/ could have written that", and then wonder who is this strange girl who lives in Marin (where I used to live) who's having an oddly parallel-mind pattern life as mine? Would we be friends or would we see in each other the worst of ourselves and be sickened? Or find it too weird? Or would we find ourselves with nothing to say because we're already saying it (in our own heads)?
Our experiences are not the same (other than the Marin thing) - I actually have another person in my life whose b-day is the same and we often laugh at the similarities of our lives and we each secretly wonder if there isn't something to this whole Zodiac thing - but with this girl - whose name I don't even know - why is she living my life or at least thinking my thoughts - at oddly and juxtaposedly in the same basic time frames, as I am???
As for this post above, I was just thinking about this. Living in Silicon Valley it's really easy to bitter about the "golden boys" (because face it, they're almost all white males) who are the media darlings of the tech scene. Not just the usual ones who get movies made about them but also the ones who invest and made their money off the first dot-com craze, etc. We work hard, we know tons of great entrepreneurs with wonderful ideas who don't get funding then we are forced to read how some stupid idea gets millions in funding (most investors appear to be more lemmings than trail-blazers - ooo semantic search! oooo social networks! ooo geolocators! ooo group buying!)
People who get ahead often don't seem to have gotten there through hard work. Luck, timing, pedigree, friends, much of it seems by chance. Then reading the news all these people who get ahead by cheating. "Cheaters never prosper" I was always told, but many of them seem to be doing pretty darn good from where I sit.
Just who DOES that b*tch think she is? Indeed.
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