Jill Reese

 
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Jill's Story > Categories > Humor

"Snow's Coming to the South - Grab a Cow and a Sack of Flour" 

 

Date Range: 01/02/2011 To 01/02/2011   Comments: 2   Views: 10,594
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Once word gets out in these parts of even a possibility of snow or ice in the forecast, Borden's dairy cows run for cover.  The demand for milk and bread here rises faster than the national debt.  I spent most of my childhood in the New England area, where the mention of snow doesn't trigger a run on the grocery stores.  How much bread and milk do these people consume in one day?  No wonder we have such an obesity issue in America.  Leave some for the people in the states that get real snow.

When snow is anticipated in my state, one of two things happens.  Either a trace amount is forecasted and we get bombarded, or a blizzard is expected and not a flake falls.  I've seen it time and again.  From what I understand, snowfall is harder to forecast than rain.  Maybe we need a more sophisticated system, like the one we use on Groundhog Day for predicting the remaining length of winter.   Perhaps a transient polar bear somewhere would take the job.  Regardless of the outcome, store shelves are empty and everyone stays home waiting for the Apocalypse. 

Why are we stranded when only a couple of inches fall?  Because my state does not have an adequate supply of snow plows and sand trucks.  One inch of snow keeps everyone at home and all businesses closed.  We'd have better results if everyone went outside with salt shakers and bags of kitty litter.  Of course, better equipment might encourage the already inept drivers who drive during good road conditions to venture out on the frozen streets to endanger and amaze the rest of us with their stupidity.  Why take the chance?

Drivers here have a hard enough time driving on wet asphalt.  Snowy roads can sometimes be navigated using skill and caution, but ice is a whole other story.  When ice glazes the streets, every Bubba with a truck heads out to play, only to find that four-wheel drive doesn't help much on ice.  It's like bumper cars out there.  I like to sit by my window with a cup of cocoa and watch them line up like Tonka trucks in the ditches.  Good times. 

Winter weather will dominate the local news coverage as if deer season's been extended for another month.  I don't bother watching it after the first broadcast of the day.  Seeing frozen reporters brave the elements gets old after the first hour.  The point gets lost on folk.  Viewers emailed one station this morning because the poor sap standing by the parking lot the interstate highway became was without a proper head covering.  He actually took the time to reassure us of his safety.  I know I'll sleep better tonight.

Schools in my area have even cancelled classes the day before an expected storm.  The only flakes on the streets the next day were herds of frolicking children, enjoying a day off and a good laugh at the grownups.  I believe policies were amended after a few of those incidents occurred, and a handful of threats were received from angry parents.  We can only handle so much additional punishment after having kids home for two weeks over Christmas break. If the schools promise to stay open, don't think my butt won't be out there salting and kitty littering.  I'm out of vodka.



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Member Since
Aug 2007
Kristen Kuhns said:
posted on Jan 10, 2011
mommy wants vodka

You are hilarious, Jill, and a great humor writer. For the life of me I can't write humor. I was in Texas during an ice storm and you're right - *everything* came to a standstill for 2 days. Then up in Montreal where they get 10feet of snow and they're just like "goshdarnit, someone took my parking spot!" 


Member Since
Apr 2008
Chuck Stallong said:
posted on Jan 10, 2011
bad weather

Just an excuse to act like idiots.... gives most people something to bring up in conversation.

Funny writing, Jill. Keeps me laffin'. Thanks.