I must be the pinnacle of stress. You know the list they give you at some place or another. Like at the doctor’s office or at work. There’s the list of stressors that could be a clear indication of depression. I know I would be checking off the form like there’s no tomorrow. Let’s see….
(-)Divorce. It’s like death, right? Two little ones involved, demanding much needed attention. (+) Mike and I get along better than we ever did. We explained it to the kids and Audrey took it very well. Cameron doesn’t have a clue.
(-)Brother had stroke, paralyzed on one side, recovering but not completely, can’t work, trouble getting SSN, I’m sure disability ran out. (+) Got to spend quality time with him the second trip. He is a pillar of strength and inspiration. He slowed me down which I needed and I want to continue to be that way.
(-)Found out my other brother has a brain tumor. (+) It is not cancerous, not growing, not affecting his brain or functions. Just don’t know what the long term or even short term effect is from it.
(-)Father has severe heart failure. He had 3 or 4 heart attacks that he didn’t know about. He’s in a home now and they just gave him 6 months to live. He’s not getting any better. Actually, after getting stints put in, his heart is pumping lower than it was before. (+)Got to spend time with him and put the past behind me. He told me he was sorry for everything and it healed me. I will be ready when he goes, just don’t like it right now. He hasn’t accepted Jesus as Savior so I believe God’s giving him a chance right now by making him hang on a little longer.
(-)All of my immediate family live 2000 miles away. I have my in-laws here. It’s just not the same as blood. (+) Granted, even with our past differences, my in-laws are good loving people. I am just uncomfortable around a couple of them. They have been accepting of the fact that I want a divorce and they are being supportive. I think that’s because they want Mike to move on from me. I know they want my happiness too. It’s just too easy.
(-)Getting a house built. It’s not really a negative, it’s just a stressor. (+)I will be independent, alone (which isn’t always a bad thing). It will build strength in me.
(-)Temporarily moving into an apartment. Mike is uncomfortable all of sudden and wanted me to move out where originally he said I could stay until the house was built. I don’t mind. I was hoping to save some money and build up some savings. No big deal. (+)Actually look forward to it. I noticed he’s been dressing up and going out a lot, who knows maybe he has someone? Good for him
(-)Lost Love. Devastating. Heart-wrenching. It still hurts like it was yesterday even though it is in the past. I will always wonder what if. (+)It took me all these years to finally know what true love is. Now I feel like I’ll never know again.
(-)We just finished with a 6 month long outage which was only supposed to be 3 months. So long hours and working nightshift was not healthy either. (+)At least I haven’t changed careers and I’m very stable in my work. I love my job and the people I work with. I’m in the middle of the seniority list so I am well protected there.
(-)I have my health but that’s diminished some due to the fact that I lost a LOT of weight. I was skinny before, now I have trouble keeping my pants up because even my belt is too big. Everyone has commented on my weight loss and they are all concerned for me. That’s comforting, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. I know I shouldn’t but I drink a lot of wine. I started smoking about a year ago and it’s getting worse. I don’t want to stop all those things. They are my crutch. I bawl every single day. My chest is heavy and my heart is aching all day long. That’s all a big fat negative. I’m weak. I nearly lost it in Live Fire training a couple weeks ago. I’m not physically strong enough to handle the work of a firefighter.
(+)I am blessed all around. With work, family, friends. I really have nothing to complain about, it’s not like I’m being beat to a bloody pulp by my ex or that I’m being harassed at work or anything. It could be worse. So why can’t I move on? It sounds so simple when others mention it. Everything just seems so hard.