Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself, what is mylife? Just completely and more importantly, honestly answered who you are?Well, I guess if you’re reading this you had a similar question to yourself andseek relativity or perhaps you just stumbled upon this in anonymity. Regardlessof how your came to be reading this, you’re here now, so go ahead and getcomfortable or just toss this aside. This storyis about a man who lost himself, and his road to enlightenment. Many of theevents are derived from personal things, and many of them are still unresolved.I guess thanks for taking the time to read, you’ve already done more then most.
“Youthink I care? I don’t, get that through your head!” The shouts of his fatherboomed through the small house, startling me. I hid behind my mother, holdingonto her leg tightly, her jeans clamped between my fingers. “Why would you dothis to us…? We have a family, you have a son! Don’t you care?” my motherpleaded, as she stepped back towards the door further. My father turned hishead in silence, seemingly stuck by the words, “Go.” He uttered. By my hand mymother took me and we speedily opened the door, launching in a gust of cold,snowflake filled air. She turned her head, looking back to him, only to findhim picking up a large piece of decorative wood, “Get out! Go then!” he yelled,as he hurdled it towards us, smashing through the window of our home. My mothersobbed, as we tread out into the cold winter snow. “It’s okay, we have eachother, that’s all we need…You and me.” She said to me, holding me tightly, asthe ice cold tears rolled down her flushed cheek. I nodded, as we began walkingto the local and only hotel in the town. We met up with a man, who offered todrive us to Washington state, where we would start over, get away from ourpast. I was two years old when this happened, watching my father and my motherwalk further from each other, and my family being separated. I can say I knew itwould never be back to normal again, at that moment. But we had each other anda new beginning.
The hills flew by, covered in luscious green trees,trickling with rain drops. This new home was similar looking to my previous,but the further we drove, the more houses and cities we came across. I hadnever seen so many buildings and lights. It made me happy, yet fairly scared atthe same time. We turned onto a long paved road after what seemed like a fewdays of driving, and pulled into a driveway. A brown house, with stone wallsaround it was infront of us, as well as a lady who apparently was mygrandmother. Her hair was brown, and she grinned widely as she saw my motherand I walk towards her. Embracing us both with a single large hug she welcomedus inside, where we would live our next 6 years.
After the years of finding the hidden spots, and theinteresting secrets of the homes design, I easily maneuvered throughout thebasement. I pounced around with energy, wide-eyed as I forced my stuffedanimals to battle. Giving them each names, and abilities that they would use tofight their foe. Setting up my gaming cards which I had no idea how to play,but thought looked awesome and playing board games with myself as my opponent.I had friends at school, my 1st grade class was quite the friendlybunch, which I fit in well with. My first crush was in my class, her name wasLindsey. Even at such a young age, I thought she was pretty, I wanted to be herfriend forever. We spent time at eachothers houses, play dates, the whole nineyards. She was my first true friend, and I cherished that. I had never had afriend like that, other then family of course. And still today I’ll always begrateful of that friendship. Sadly the good times were not to last, as we grewolder, and my mother ventured into her career, we moved on, physically as well.We moved out together to a small apartment out a few cities away, with astrange woman whom my mother had school with. At first I opposed the idea ofthe roommate, she seemed evil to me. And she had a vibe of a cobra ready tostrike, and so I kept my distance. My mom and I conversed as she cookingdelicious and famous pancakes in our kitchenette. Her beautiful long hair andperfect smile, gave the most comfortable energy. What me and my mother wouldcall white light. It was apparent, and it shone bright. I devoured thefantastic pancakes, still burning hot in my stomach. She kissed me on theforehead, and told me she loved me and got her bag ready for school. And soeach and every morning began, always happy, nothing in our way. I hobbled downthe steep sidewalk towards the bus stop, as I anxiously thought about what thisnew school would be like. I was scared I wouldn’t make friends. Little did Iknow, I couldn’t be more wrong. Truth was, I was incredibly popular with thelocal students, for whatever reason is still unknown to me, but I was trulyhappy. People enjoyed me, and I loved having people around me. I felt so happyin my life, I felt like everything was perfect, which is how a child shouldfeel. Though as quickly as I arrived, It speedily ended, in 3 short years. Isaid my parting words to my friends, and my girlfriend, which at the time was abig deal thank you very much. And again, we moved far away, with a man who hadtaken the heart of my mother. I thought he also was evil, but I knew my momloved him, so I dealt with it. We settled into the new home, the backyardglorious in itself. It had a huge grass hill, stretching far behind our house,with two golf holes in the ground. I loved the yard, and I soon took to lovingboth Erik, and his dog Cono. Though we had rough times, and at moments I feltlike I was targeted, I know understand why things happened the way they did.The environment was different here, people weren’t the same. I tried makingfriends in my new school, but I was having problems. I grew out my hair, put onweight and fought the admirably strong stages of the almighty puberty. I didn’thave any friends that year, I spent it alone, and very self-conscious. I usedto play this game where I would play basketball, against myself. As pathetic asit sounds, I was alone. I would change the player every time I picked up theball again, and keep separate scores. It wasn’t particularly hard for me, I hadgrown up alone anyway, but It did hurt. Every summer I would get a chance to govisit my father, for a month or so. I remember always taking the lone planeride to meet him in Montana, and I would always feel so happy when I saw hisarms open wide, genuinely grateful and happy to see me. I loved running up tohim, and him picking me up and his rough goatee brushing against my cheek. Mymom and my dad were polar opposites, relatively speaking. My dad was an avidmarijuana smoker, and did drugs, spending years at a time in countless jails.But what he did do, was spend every moment with me, cherishing each one. Wewould go on crazy adventures through the forests, and through rivers. We wentjumping off bridges, inner tubing along the river swimming out in the ocean atnight. We would have deep conversations about life and the meanings of things,while we lay in the dirt looking up in the sky. I always felt so right withhim, and always wished of course he would move closer to us. As right as Ifelt, my mom was where I felt at home, and always looked to. I remember campingfor two months straight, living off of hot dogs and guitar playing around thefire. My little half sister Amara, a fairly new addition to the family, alsoadded many fun memories to the whole. My step mother Lisa also made me feelwelcomed, I always felt like they cared so much for me, and always wanted me tocome visit. My dad would always put his arm around my shoulder and hug metight, and say, “You were my first, my only son. You always will hold a specialplace in my heart, that nobody can ever take.” As he showed me his tattoo of myname on his chest and back. I would smile so wide my huge gaps in my teethwould show. As I returned from summer, I started my first year of middleschool, after graduating elementary school a chubby lonesome kid. My first yearwas one of the most memorable, because I made my first friend, Lucas. Iremember the stupid things we would run around and do, and the fun we wouldhave. We were in the same boat really, both a little chubby from puberty, bothnew to the area and both nerds. So naturally we formed an amazing bond offriendship, spending every minute together. Doing everything as one team. Wewould battle outside with his little brother Sam, and soon both began skateboarding,which we both shared as well. We were god awful at it, but fun nevertheless.Computer games, and basketball, school and midnight shenanigans. It the mostfun I ever had, and my first Best friend. But like everything else had in mylife, it soon faded, as he started to hang out with a different crowd, near theend of middle school. His entire being seemed to change so quickly, and soon wehad little common interests, and I was standing alone again, seemingly stuck inthe past. But his little brother Sam was growing up quick, and all the time Ispent at his house formed a friendship with him as well. Sam became my newclose friend, my little brother. Once again, we did everything together, exceptthis time, even more-so then with Lucas. We were like identical brothers, justseparated by a few years. The sneaking out at two in the morning, and gettingin trouble, the experimentation with weed, the skateboarding and scootering. Wehad a blast really, we made a great team. Around this time is when I met Brenda.My first major girlfriend. She was new to the school, and she very shortly madeit apparent she was into me, and honestly, I was into her too. We soon begandating and things were going well. She was my first sexual encounter, and thatmade the relationship a bit more sentimental. We had a lot of fights, aboutstupid things, mostly me playing too many games, and her wanting more time withme. Eventually things built up so negatively that I felt trapped, and it seemedlike she was smothering me. I couldn’t get out of the relationship though, fromsome of the things she mentioned. I didn’t want anything bad happening to her.So I stayed. I decided that if she would be so pained, so torn, then I wouldstay with her. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want her to hurtherself, and I’ve always been one to sacrifice my own feelings for others. Asbad as that sounds on her part, she was just young and confused. She was naïve,and has grown into a stronger woman who now is the mother of a lovely little girl.She’s come along way, and I’m proud. Eventually things got to the point where Isaw a way out, and I took it. And I never went back, which it was time for meto move on anyway. I spent the next year single, and just enjoying the presenceof my friend Sam, and coming to find I had a lot of friends in school. But thenagain, I guess they could be considered acquaintances, for our friendshipstayed inside the school’s doors. But that’s how most of my friends were withme. So the one’s who were more then that, stood out. I dated Brenda for 2years, both my freshman and sophomore year, leaving me solo for my junior year.I spent most of the year working out, and playing a lot of basketball. Isuppose the typical guy’s life in highschool. I’ve always had a outgoingpersonality, and I make friends with older people pretty easily as well. Iquickly knew all the teachers in my school by name, and vise versa. I wouldcome and greet them, and hang around in their class, wasting my own class time.I’d frequently drop into the foods room, with my foods teacher, who for yourinformation was a blast. As my junior year came to a creaking halt, I metsomeone. Her name was Beth, and I had always admired from afar her beauty, andher elegant stature. I never really mustered the courage to talk to her, otherthen a single time I complimented her hair while in line for some deliciousfresh cookies. This was odd for me, because I didn’t have stage fright, I spokeeasily to mostly anyone, regardless of who they were. But she was different, Ichoked up, and felt nervous when I was around her. I would utter a few words,and keep walking. As tiny as she was, she was very intimidating. I’ll alwaysremember the day I found out she showed interest in me. My friend came up tome, and said, “You know, Beth likes you, she thinks your cute.” I literallyjust laughed, and shrugged it off in complete, honest disbelief. I thought hewas just trying to get me to talk to her, and make a fool of myself. But I hadto give it a shot, so I got her number from a friend; because I was too nervousto ask myself, and text her that night. From then on, I had butterflies, asbelittling it is as a man, constantly in my stomach. There was something abouther that differed from the rest of the people I’ve met in my journey. I feltattracted to her in an unknown way, aside from physical attraction. So we kepttalking, teasing around with playful chat and learning more about each other.That summer’s end, we began dating, and that’s the day I became the happiestman in the world. For an entire year, we spent our time bound with each other,madly in love. We constantly told each other of the spectacular, uniquefeelings they gave us, how special we felt and how much we cherished eachother. I had never felt such love, such emotion. I felt so happy I could easilyyell to the sky for hours. The feeling of holding her hand, and knowing shetrusted me, and cared for me too. The feeling I would get when looking into hereyes, and knowing how much I loved her, and future I desired so badly. My lifewas perfect, I had everything I could hope for, and then senior year ended. Thepainful decision we had been putting off, surfaced. She needed to go and be theaspiring student she wanted to be, to learn about what she loved and wanted tobe. Knowing she was leaving, and I would soon be stuck here alone, I had tomake a choice for myself, I couldn’t keep sitting around working at my deadbeat job making minimum wage. I wanted a future with this woman, and I had todo what would be best for us. So I joined the United States Navy. I knew thatthe military would make me a man, and would provide me with what I needed tocreate a financially secure life. I did what I had to, to keep her mine. Thiswas the beginning of the end. The start of my life’s darkening. And there’s nolight guiding me anymore.
Early on it was hard, but we wrote letters, while I attendedbootcamp, and we seemed to only grow in feelings for eachother. We expressedour sorrow and words through paper and pen, and it warmed me knowing she hadtouched that paper just days before. But I went through bootcamp, using hersmile and her image as motivation. Knowing the better I do, the quicker I wouldsee her. I would look at her picture every night, looking up at the ceiling,and would try to convince myself that if I thought hard enough, I couldteleport to her. But I always woke up alone. Bootcamp soon ended, as I stood inmy dress uniform, proud to be who I was, and reuniting with my mom and step dadas they congratulated me. The next day, I took a flight to Florida, where Iwould spend my next year in school. It felt great to be able to hear her voiceagain. To be able to picture her speaking, and knowing that I could see hernow, when Christmas came around. As I walked around the mall, something caughtmy eye. It was a shining Diamond ring, that rest on a little pillow, separatedfrom the rest. I knew that I had to get it, I felt that she deserved it, thatit was the least I could do, for having her put up with the military life. Andso I bought it, and it became a promise ring. A promise to always be there forher. A promise to always love her. A promise to always support her. A promiseto always be the one she needed. And I plan on keeping that promise even todayas you read, whatever year this is. Now, assuming you don’t know herpersonally, I suppose I’ll describe her to you through my eyes. She’s short ascan be, golden hair, but blonde if she asks, and a little button nose that’sadorable. She has a beautiful smile, and her eyes shine in any source of light.She’s got tiny hands and feet, and large features on each end, but don’t tellher I said that. She’s fun to be around, fun to talk to and more importantlywarm, and friendly. She’s smart, and very wise. She’s what I like to call newaround the block, but she’s catching on quickly. So if you ever see a womanthat fits this, you may see her in her ugg’s and black poofy vest, over herdark green undershirt, with jeans. Go ahead and tell her that I said she’sbeautiful. Because I don’t know my future, and I may not be around to tell hermyself. Let her know, she’s amazing in every way. And let her know she’s loved,and strong willed.
Her eyes lit up asshe opened the box, and a smile grew on her face. I kissed her forehead, andtold her I loved her. As she slid it onto her finger. The satisfaction I feltcould only be replicated by an actual wedding ring. I was so happy, it was justher, and me, a beautiful hotel over the water. We had eachother again. Aftermonths of being a stranger to myself, I had my rock. I looked into her eyes, asI held her hands. I knew I wanted to have children with this woman, that thiswoman was to be my wife if she accepted. It’s something you can’t describe youknow? The feeling when you feel nothing but joy, and light towards something.Everything was so clear, and happy.
Then I had to return, and the pain began to build deeper. Alonger time between us grew, and we became near numb. We had almost forgotteneachother’s touch. We were so lost without eachother that things became almostroutine. But I felt the same love, always. Soon after I graduated my firstschool, I got a phone call from my little sister. My Father had died. He hadoverdosed on drugs. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t think at all. Ibecame lost in a dark place. And I think I’m still partially there. I couldn’tbelieve it. That I never got a chance to say goodbye, to say I loved him. Totell him thank you. To feel that rough goatee on my cheek one last time. He wasgone. And I was even greater alone. Just two months prior, my grandmothercommitted suicide, over my two uncles who did the same. I knew them all well,especially my grandmother. All I could think about was how everything around mewas being lost. How I had near nothing left. I had my dog, my mom and step dad,and my girlfriend beth. It’s bad when you have 4 things left in life to carefor.
I worked hard, extremely hard, under the impression I wouldgain the right to choose my old home state as my station. Being first in theclass has it’s perks. So I stayed up late nights, I put time into my school andI busted my ass off, with two things in mind, Beth and Family. I had everythingplanned out, I bought a car to travel the distance, so I could visit Beth everyother weekend. I had an account set up for bi weekly deposits for saving for ahome, and I was excited that I could finally ease her pain and suffering. Iknew that If I got stationed in Washington again, so much stress would berelieved, and we could be happy. But unfortunately, my life doesn’t normally gothe way I would enjoy. Quite the opposite lately. I ended up being stationed ona marine combat ship, the USS MESA VERDE in Norfolk, Virginia. When I heard thenews, I dropped to my chair, and hung my head. I had failed. I worked so hardfor our love, for our future. And then it was all stripped away. I knew I hadto tell her, and I knew it would pain her deeply, knowing I wasn’t coming hometo her. I told my mother, and Beth that I wouldn’t be coming home as planned,and that I was stuck. I consider this the worst part of my life to date to behonest. I have lost everything. Everything but my mother, but I don’t even haveher to accompany me, she’s across the country. I’m alone again. All thenightmares of being alone rekindled. Just like all of my life before, I waslonesome. A deep state of constant sorrow sunk into my bones. I couldn’tbelieve it. So much hope, so much energy, so much aspiration and work, tossedaside from one lazy employee. It’s odd how one event can toss your world upsidedown. I guess this is that period in my life where I just walk a lonely pathagain. Step by step in the darkness, sailing the ocean in shadows. But latelyit’s built up pretty bad. So much loss in my life. I don’t understand why Ideserved this. I don’t understand what I did. I try to be kind and respectfulto everyone, I try to make a difference in others lives, I try to make joywherever I go. But everything I do, comes back negative at me. Perhaps I takethe burdens of others on my shoulders, perhaps it’s just bad luck. Either way,I’ll take them, I’ll hold these burdens as long as my shaking legs can carrythem. If that’s what it takes to clear them, and make whoever’s these arehappy. But if there’s a god out there, I ask you in kind heartedness andpurity, keep them safe for me. Whatever happens to me, make sure they staysokay. Make sure they are treated how they should be always treated, if I’m notaround. And I guess thank you too, for giving me such a great family. Thank youfor the chance to meet everyone I have so far, and everyone I’ll continue tomeet. But if you could, ease up on the struggles. It’s beating my mind to apulp. And I can’t take much more. I don’t have the support I had before inlife. I can’t just hug my mom or go relax with my girlfriend. I’m alone again,so I ask you, please, keep them safe for me.
Dumb. Speaking to something I don’t even really believe in,via written format. I surprise myself more everyday. Well, I thank you forreading this, whoever you are. Keep in mind what was read. Always remember thatyou have the power to change lives, and you single handedly can change people.Be yourself, and follow your heart, no matter what. Care for those who youlove, because before you can blink, they can be gone. Wish me luck out there,I’ll most likely need it. But don’t count on me giving up, that’s not how I dothings. Now I begin this journey, this voyage which someday, hopefully, with aspeck of luck, will bring me happiness again. Good luck out there to you too.This worlds not easy, but hey, if I can help it, I’ll take some of the burdenwith you, whoever you are. We can share it.
Before I wrap this up, I suppose I’ll give a pointlesslecture, I know what your thinking; “oh boy a lecture from a kid that’s 20,this is fantastic” but bare with me. If you can do something in your life to besomeone, to be something in todays world, do it. Go that extra distance, makethat extra step. Even though I’m over here in Norfolk alone, and I spend mydays droning out infront of a screen every day, surrounded in a hecticenvironment, I still hold my sanity, and I try to prosper. I always go theextra bit to go above the expectation. I give my full effort, regardless ofrequirements that are lower. I go out of my way to help those who are in need,even if I’m in need of help too. Because that’s what this world needs. Helpinghands. People who care and act like they care. An inch can go miles, with theright ruler. As corny as it sounds, it’s true, be the change. Be the person inyour life to touch others, and start the chain. You never know, maybe you’llmake somebodys day, maybe even mine! Just be who you are, and not who peoplewant you to be. And always remember that nothing can stop you, and it’srewarding to be kind. It could always be worse. Keep a good mentality even inthe darkest corners of your life. Like me for example, I’m keeping my head up,even though I’m pained. I try to vent through a few methods, and I take out mystress in my work. I work hard to push out that stress. It soundscounterproductive but I assure you, it makes you put effort and time into yourwork, and gives you an outstanding sense of accomplishment. I have a lot ofdark spots in my head that poke at me, sad memories, but I know it could alwaysbe worse. Others around the world have literally lost everything, and don’thave a tenth of what I do, they have nothing. I admire their strength, and wishthem the best in life. I’ll assist them if they reach out, if I can reach. AndI would expect the same in return in my time of need. We are all human, andit’s about time we start acting like we all are human. We help eachother out.Regardless of blood line, culture, religion or race, we are brothers andsisters. We are the Human Race, together as a whole. What are we if we can’teven accept and be prosperous with our own race? I guess this will wrap thingsup. Thank you for reading, once again. Don’t pitty me, don’t mock me, becauseeither way, I won’t care. I have too many problems to fix to worry aboutopinions aimed at me.
Until next time, Hayden.