My story starts out right now, in the present. I suffer from what medical science keys, "Paranoid Schizophrenia." In short, I had a problem adjusting to this new form of consciousness taking place in many peoples life including my own. While over the past ten years I have came to grips with reality, the story begins at a much earlier date. You see, when I was around five years old, I had my first experience with audio hallucinations. These came in the form of a male and female voice. At first it was welcoming, I remember. They would come and say nice things, sweet things (or nothings) in my ear. It always made me smile. Something so mysterious, it seemed as if I knew them before. Maybe in another life... One day, in autumn, I was in the company of my mother when she decided to stop by a friends house. I was around five or six. This particular friend was a caregiver to children with special needs. At that time she was caring for a mentally defunct child who had it in his mind that he was a monkey. This was a troubling site for at the time I was just beginning to learn about God and different things in life. I remembered how the preacher would always talk about how good He was or how merciful and loving. I wondered, that age old question, "how can a person who created everything allow something like this to happen?" I could'nt fathom it. I mulled it over in my mind while watching this boy jump from sofa to sofa. Seriously I felt passionately at a loss at how this could be. After a while I had to get out of there. But not because of the boy. As I walked outside and looked around, I begin to feel worried over this thing. Was saddened at the thought that everything I learned on Sunday when I listened, was a lie. I then begin to say to myself, "there isn't any god, I could do a better job than this, why if i were jes....." No sooner then when I had that thought a roar came into my brain. It was like all the little soldiers in my head stood at attention in wait of battle. "Why your ------!!!" I was very much on fritz!!! My mind began to churn out garble as I thought to myself, "God please don't let this be the rest of my life?!?!?" Hardly the words a person at that age should be saying. But it was true. And no sooner than that was thought, the tide began to settle. And finally I was at peace. But this would only be for a while. Like Stephen King says, "They Always Come Back."
You know its amazing to grow-up look back over your life and see, all the things you missed. All the things you didn't get at that moment. That which was there vs. that which was'nt. It makes life amazing like that... You start to understand all the little sayings and stories your elder's would say to you. How you would learn when you grew up. I find my little life remarkably amazing in that aspect. The possibilities, the magic moments. I always tell people sometimes you have to stop and look around you, to see the magic that is happening in your own life. Because its there! Magic has played a big role in my life. And i'm not talking prestidigitation either. A stronger force then slight-of-hand. More captivating than trickery. God blessed and heaven sent.
I am a dreamer. I look back on my dreams in the sense of being able to another glimpse into my second reality. The first thing that came to my mind when I begin to look back was the fact that, even though I was a child I was the person who I am today. I mean I looked like a grown man in my dreams as a child. And I find that fascinating because I had yet to grow up. I remember one of my key markers for going back in the past was a scene. In it I am standing at the threshold of the bathroom, its foggy, smokey-mirror effect. And the point of view shifts from me to a basket (gold tin) full of red and white flowers. Then I hear from a distance, "You're Solomon!" Hardly am I Solomon or a king, but I am extremely spiritual and excellent in wisdom with age. So I blew it off, but yet still even though i forgot, it never let me go. This was followed by a dream of me turning on a lamp on a desk with a snap of my fingers. While there was no smokey-mirror or magically making appliances turn on or off, all these scenes came to be years later. From the house I were to be in, to different dreams coming true. To me its like a self realization happening. A self manifestation. I walk the path I walked because it was intended for me to do so, and 'them' knew this.
Spite the occasional dream coming true and me becoming aware of the power of my own voice, life was a beautiful object. I had the gleam in my eye and I knew I could be whoever, whatever. The future was bright and full of possibilities. But I was unaware of the gloom that was around the corner. And exactly how hard it would hit. I am not a perfect person... I have done things in my life that I am very displeased with. Things that I have no real desire for. Upon discovery one morning of my last year in school I was awakened by a force. The force was strong within me, and if now it were to present itself I do believe I am stronger. It made me make an attempt to harm people. While I was in the middle of all this, something just gave way. That burden was lifted up off of me and my mind was clear. But then I was taken aback. I could once again hear a group of people chatting, mind you no one is home. Then above all the voices rose the voice of a lone female that hinted to me all my darkness would come to light. And I would one day have to face everyone in the light of this discovery. I forsook that voice, charging it with "if you were present the whole time why didn't you stop me?" If they are who they say they are why have'nt they done anything to stop anything? And that still resonates within me today, "WHY?" Till this day there is no answer. And I am left with the fear of recourse.
So time went on... I graduated high school and prepared for the future ahead. I was beaming man. Moving out of my old folks house and stepping out into the world. Little did I know that those conspirators and a portion of the world were chanting "FRESH MEAT" under their voice. I've been to many places in North America, my least favorite is Texas. The state in which I live. People say when you come here you get a dose of, "southern hospitality." Its more like kibble. People do not make having this infliction easy on those that do. And usually people are the cause of making bad things happen. It's not understood to the general public how deafening this is to the actual person enduring the trial. So alot of people make mistakes when their in the presence of a schizo-effective persons. How one moment everything is peachy and the next a total disaster. You hear about it on television alot. Especially those cop and forensic shows. "Aye Man, One minute we chilling having fun and the next thing you know, BOOM! he start shooting up the place." And to the person 'schizing' it was just to much to take anymore. What the people at the party didn't see was the obvious pain that is laden on a persons face right before they make the choice to hurt others. That's because to us, whatever option is available is our only recourse. So whether it be pain, it was whats to happen. In my case though I do a pretty good job with containment. It's how i maintain.
Time goes on, and I find myself living in Universal City, Texas. Truly a hot spot on the map for weird things and even weirder people. I began working at a car wash there. Made a couple of friends. But there was one special friend that stood out from the rest. I remember the first time I saw this dude he was cutting a corner moving in to the apartment across from me. He hailed the same name as Christopher Reeves, so we called him supaman! This guy was great! A stand up guy. But this time was also what I like to call, "the awakening." Meaning it was around this time that greater things were coming to knowledge. I saw a whole lot, listened alot, and spoke very much. I was fascinated with life. And the road I was on. It was also the time of prophecy. For things which i had seen prior were coming to be. I had my first telepathic contact with this crowd. One day we were taking a toke and having some drinks. When at the end of the session, me and supaman began doing some stomp music with the walls and cans around us. I kept the beat while my friend kept the tremble. Upon time to leave the room I had a burning question in my head. So I asked (without voice), "supaman, what's the world all about?" I asked because I looked up to him for a greater sense of knowledge and wisdom. For he had the face and look of an elder spirit. He begin to shake his head no and all in one motion, stood up, and shouted, "To Fornicate and make money." Now you would think the answer would be a red flag, but it was'nt. However the fact that I asked a quesiton, in my head, and received an answer was pure elation! As I walked out of the room he, supaman, just looked at me with an expression of 'I can't believe you just did that' on his face. He smiled and gave a little sneer. Both of us not believing this happened. I in-turn gave a similar expression. Once we were in the other room I had the urge to use the bathroom. I began to walk up the stairs, still amazed. When I heard him speak these words, "Hey Babe (his wife), you won't believe what just happened." "like what," she replied. Supaman, "I think I found my brother?!?!?" Needless to say the elation went through the roof. It was like this was what I had been searching for my whole life. This was it. This was him (a man from my dreams) and he is standing right here right now. Blew my mind...
Many other strange things happened during my time in that town. Some of the more notable ones of a time when it was raining madly out. I was at a little get bar-b-que when this strange individual who was named peewee. Now that boy was special. I remember the day so clearly. Raining mad cats and dogs, he is under the carport smoking a cigarette. I noticed him looking up then down. Smoking his square. I was inside by the door frame in the apartment right across. I looked away for a second and looked back again, (believe me now) this man begin to walk in the rain. The strangest thing was he didn't even get wet by the time he reached the door. Rain still coming down and his garments are faultless. The guy standing next to me noted the same thing. I mean, when you looked and saw how he did it, it was like a invisible shield was shrouding him. And you could see the rain being pelted away from him with force. Strange Things, Stranger People. Another instance from my time with this gang was of awakening in my friends bed next to a woman named Nacy. Nacy was a big girl, but in all the right places. And nothing but muscle. I didn't know at first, but she to was in a dream from my childhood. Same beautiful face, same eyes. They way she smiled. The way the sun shone in her face like how it did in that dream, I figure I must be in the right place. But that was not our time. For in this dream I bore a crown house were still being formed from mortar and clay. Nonetheless, spite the magic, the dream still came true. And it was also at this time that I encountered my owl-spirit. A frighteningly terrific experience. And I ran across a man named Artexerces Shelton, who was so full of it he could filibuster Strom Thruman.
Time elapsed... And I find myself back in my home town. I was out of work. Living with my mother and grandmother. Yet not stirred by anything I saw. I had this sense of determination, I could make whatever I wanted to happen be. So I hatched a plan. To go back to San Antonio and confront these people. Little did I know that I was the one who would face confrontation, with forces unseen. I had always been kind of aware with hearing and seeing things not actually there. But this experience would prove to be a struggle for me. To maintain and keep my frame of mind. A grip on reality. I was in the company of people who I thought were friends and who had good intentions for me. There was'nt. No kind of good intentions. And if what attention they gave was truly not welcomed. The night everything got underway my brother had driven down to pick me up to go live in San Antonio with him. And it seemed like the whole way was nothing but signs. Not highway signs either, more of a "highway to heaven," sign the whole drive. Hinting to me to turn around, I am making the wrong decision. Well they were ignored. When we finally got to S.A. we decided to go to my brothers house, who also lived in San Antonio. And no sooner that I had walked through that front door, my brothers girlfriend's brother was there. And just like in my dreams he asked or stated, "came back to get it right again?" With what I could tell was a hint of saracasm.
I begin to hear voices. Rather not fear of them but rather fear of what was spoken. It seemed like they always had a bad thing to say. I could'nt even stand the thought of allowing the elation to proceed further as to not spark thoughts. I was extra careful of my surroundings and attentive to things which were being said, or to what was being hinted. It became too much. I could'nt focus my thoughts correctly. It was shame. Shame for wearing the smile I bore, but it so many skeletons in my closet. There came a point when supaman was over my house. He was going through this experience also, this coming to 'know.' So I looked to him for guidance and affirmations. Which he did not mind suppling. No matter how much against my own biddings, it did. I didn't realize at the time how helpful it was to have at least one person, in a sea of people, keeping your back. I mean no matter where I went it was sure to go down. That's when the social paranoia started to kick in. One night, I and my brother were standing on the balcony of his apartment. I was staring up at the stars amazed at the formation. Which to on the appearance of five stars in the form of a phalanx. Twelve o'clock High. Even though my brother and I had differences, the look in both our gazes told us this was for us. At that moment a female in an apartment across the street walked out kissing her man bye. When the door closed we heard a shreek. The girl was stuck in her spot staring at us. What she saw I do not know. But whatever it was, was coming from our general direction and seemed to be focused on us. Her man opened the door again. She mumbled something, either I have good hearing or her voice travels, when her man told her to don't worry, come inside and i'll explain. I did'nt give it much thought. But I have never forgotten. One night my brother, I and Mr. Supaman were in the house. When I started to hear voices again. But this time they had me. You see even that apartment was apart of a dream I had, and my life imitated that dream. I was being told I was not going to hell but rather in hell. It was to much. and for the spirit of the one I have inside me, it was truly nothing to be worried about. For all my life I have been forged in fire. But the wells opened up and I begin to cry. Both my company just sat and looked at me. No spirit of conjouling could conqour the fear I had. That this, was indeed, my reality. And I have to live it.
Backtrack-Forward a bit and I am in my mothers home, my life is in a daze. I was reading up on egpytology and other pantheons in religions. When I happened upon a script from the book of the dead, which read, "TO-WHOM THE ONE WHO ATE THE PUTRIFICATION OF HIS POSTERIOR." I begin to chuckle... While living in San Antonio dealing with voices, I was made, rather willed to do dirty things. You can call it humbling & humiliation. But I, in my twenties, had finaly became scared of the "boo-boo monster." That they were here for my fecal matter and i had to do something with it. So one day I used the bathroom, wrapped it up in papertowls and foil. Locked it inside a ziplock bag and went forth to hide my gold from the monsters who desperately wanted it?!?!? I walked out into the back of a field out in behind the apartment complex. Looking for a good place to hide this treasure. I came upon a heavy black rubber tarp. I thought to myself, this is key. So I lifted the tarp placed my package under it. As I stood up I felt the need to point to it while staring away, so I did. Then I just walked away. Funny Funny Funny. A couple of weeks later I returned to the site. Curious as to what happened to my little package, I lifted the tarp. Boy Boy Boy, probably one of the more funnier moments in this ordeal. And I am just tickled at the fact that someone found me gold, my putrification. But in all actuallity now I had wished i had just flushed it. And tell those monsters if they want it, they no where to find it. I bet the person who found that thought it was a drug drop. They always say to watch what you do, because you never know whose looking. A deja-vu that took place happened early one morning. I was in a state of insomnia that night and at first light had the thought to go for a walk. It was a very beautiful morning, the sky a somber pink. I happened to notice that on a car I was walking by had a sticker on it. It was a cool looking sticker so I wanted to take a closer look. No sooner then when I did that I saw a car come speeding around the corner and pull up next to me. This black dude jumps out and starts to ruff me up. Talking about I tried to break into his neighbors car. Really I figured out later the had trashed their place trying to get insurance money. Probably to buy crack! No sooner did that car pull up another one was in foot. Now this black guy jumped out with a baseball bat. I had the thought to run, and I am pretty fast. Especially when being chased. He comes up and starts to ruff me up. I could tell, I mean there was something in his facial expression that said he really did'nt want to do this. Or either they were masking their intentions. But the second guy hit me with the bat. As I fell back the last scene in my head was of the horizon falling above an apartment building, in that complex. Here came the 'eureka' moment. A dream actually coming true. Which before I hit the ground, in slo-mo, were the last words spoken. I screamed out for help. As loud as I could. I thought this was it. Someone wanted me either dead or out the picture. And these were the goons who're to do it. They lacked what it took. Finally a cop walks out of his apartment. No doubt kissing his girlfriend goodbye. He did nothing but stand there and watch. The actual uniformed policeman who came, these guys called the cops, just shued me away with a disgusting smirk on his face. No report filed. That's when I realized maybe it was a dream, without the magic. I survived an attack. Another strange coincidence was with this one dude from St. Louis. He was a pot smoker, I also. You know, drugs have a funny way of bringing people together too fast. You don't take time to get to know who you are communing with. But upon this brother I place many blessings. One night he just began to tell me how loud I was, even though I am not vocally saying anything. That's when I came to the awareness of people being able to hear thoughts of others. He was gentle with me though. Did'nt try to scare me or get me to do anythings. Just flat out told me, "I can hear you."
Well, I am a good person, I like to think... and living in a two bedroom apartment with five people is a bit much. They were hefty people and liked eating. Maybe a little too much. I lost around twenty to thirty pounds living with those birdbrains. They, in their attempts to make it better did nothing but injure me even more. The trauma of which I carried for years to come. But during that time it became known to other family members that I was'nt happy and unhealthy in appearance. So on a whim I was summoned to return home. No goodbye's! Just pack your --- and let's go!!! Which was very welcomed. I packed like a mad man. Even things that were not mine. I did'nt care. I was going home and happy about it. The drive home was long. And stressful. The whole way I kept my arms folded as to guard my heart. I was dead set on not allowing this evil to enter my mother's house. To not even drag it back to the city in which I live. I had to use the bathroom bad. And while I do not suffer from any kind of medical condition where there is a fascination with fecal matter. But I swore up and down, this is it. This is where your evil stops and my life continues. I made my sister pull over at the first stop so I could handle this business. I stated my declaration and continued my trip back home. Set that, that is where it all stands.
It was so good to be back in the good ole' South Texas. Away from the madness in the other town. But, much not to my surprise the visions did not cease. It was like was walking in my life, into my life. Every other step might hold some clues, some might not. However I was dead set on gathering as much knowledge on this thing as possible. I never went over the deep end in thinking. But I made sure to be extra attentive at the things which were to be learned over the next decade. I remember the weather mostly in this portion of my dream-state On how when the occurance does happen, its always the weather and people that are the same. Things may seem like they are coming true, but neither good nor bad things happen in waiting. Its always the scenery So that's what I paid attention to. With the intent to learn in order to re-educate people I find traveling down this same road. Words and stories have power. Sometimes a how ya doing can change the whole day. You change yourself, you'll change the world.
You know, there is a science out called 'moleosophy.' And while I feel their explanation on the meaning of beauty marks and body moles is a total fabrication. It preys on a people unaware of their worth. That they can simply write it off as a charm or meaningless. When to me, they hold all the mystery and beauty in the world. But that's where my story takes an interesting twist. After work one day I made it home. I am a marijuana smoker so don't be alarmed when I say I rolled me up one and took it to the side of my house. I had my mothers dog with me, whose name is LeeLee. LeeLee was an awesome and very highly intelligent animal. She had excellent communication skills. As I finished my smoke she came and sat upon my chest. She liked to be scratched and rubbed like that. And I was just the dude to give it to her. I remember how time seemed to stand still. How a smokey mirror turned to a hazed reality. You could actually see the magic in the aire. Ethosphere, I guess had come to settle on me and my dog??? When that moment was finished I arose and walked towards the front of my house. There I looked up into the sky and caught a glimpse of a weird cloud formation. It was in the form of a person flying. Right then another one came into view. This one took on the form of a turtle. And just as soon as that one did another appeared. This one was funky, it took on the shapes of what were stick figure people. Four of them, all hand in hand. I was in amazement. And there it was, the most beautiful cloud formation I had ever seen. And this one was special. Right next to that formation I looked and beheld the coolest of all forms. I believe they call it, the tetrahedron. But only in the form of three spherical dots, not the hole shape. And I use that word in a symbolical and spiritual meaning. For my mother bares the same on her thigh. Which brings me to Ovid's Metamorphoses, and a few verses from there. Another chance happening around this time was in the dead of night. And I mean Dead! I was awakened to the thought of come outside. As I stepped out of my house in to the summer night I noticed that there was no wind. No wind, no crickets. No cars passing by. Just pure peace, pure stillness. I then was elated to look up. That's when I saw, what I call, a wheel within a wheel. I mean a circle of the brightest stars with a circle of a few lesser stars in between. And they were lit like no star I had ever seen. It was remarkable! Beautiful! Spectacular and all mine. I embraced myself and spoke that these stars were my stars, and no one elses. For it felt like out of this whole world, I was the only one awake. And this event was meant for me.
I never suspected that moles could be such a testy subject. People are either uninformed or just plain shy to share their thoughts. When to me those 'things' hold more value then the person wearing it. Which is bad. It's well known that you are your mole and you should know your role? It is your role. They are our motifs. They bind us together. Some apart. I have a few that mean alot to me. The first is in my right corner eye. It's actually a 'devil star.' And I call it the sun. The second that is valuable to me is the one position on my neck, which represents the moon. The third, and most important, is a family aireloom. And it is cubical in shape and on my right forearm. I remember when I was young particular people would say, "Erik!!! You got the Devil's Arm." I would just look at them and smile. They have no clue. And the voice in their head obviously has me messed up with someone else. Those are the three most important. Another two groups are the ones on my hand and right under my left eye. On my hands I have two positioned over the Mounts of Jupiter and Apollo. And on the other hand I have one position in the center of my pinkie (Mercury). The other set, under my eye, are lines which I can look at old photographs and see is present even before I was aware. They take on the form of two lines. Perfectly line, like someone did it by hand. And they are upon the lesser star of my devil star and the other longer. About the width of my cheek with a brown splotch next to it. All these I have had since birth. They are dark in color. Have tried to remove them but, they always come back. Now the one on my cheek is from a battle fought in a different life. I was cut there to allow the blood to drain so I could see. Note, I have never been in a war or been touched in such a way by anybody as to cause me physical harm. So they are more apart of me then anything I know. The reason I say I was in a war was because in the movie 'Apocalpyso,' one warrior is wounded over his eye. And his father had to cut him there to remove the blood so he could see. Imagine how I felt when I saw that. That this was something I had been carrying around with me all that time. And the mystery of that birthmark was solved.
People ask me if I think my ability to hear and see things that are not present to the physical eye as a direct use of my drug use. Note 1 No. Note 2 I hardly call weed a drug... That's just me though. Remember, I was'nt smoking when I was a child. And if I were, it must have been some pretty good stuff because I don't remember. However I know I am not alone in this race. You see I have friends who have let me in on this little secret. And have received affirmations in many forms. If this is who I am to be, I must accept all that comes my way because it is mine. One day while walking downtown with a very good friend we happened to run across a distant traveler who was now homeless. He was a short very dark man who said he was from Papua New Guinea. I little island north of Australia I believe in Micronesia. He was hungry and in need of a drink. While I was short on cash my man handed him a fiver. I gave him a handful of cigarettes. We bade him to make sure he ate and not to drink it away. He agreed. Then in a goodbye, he hugged my friend and then came to hug me. As we went in to embrace he all of a sudden pushed me back and looked at my hands. He than looked back at me, marched over to my friend and asked him, "Do you know who he is?" Pointing at me, my friend head bowed in concern. My friend, even though we had known each other for years said no. That's when he said to him, "he wants to know whats wrong with the planets." My friend in a shy manner nodded, yes. Then the male asked of us both, "now you can ask of me whatever you like?" We had no questions. He was the answer. To know that you are someone special and your somebody. And that from the other hemisphere a man knows of your person, believes, and was willing to demonstrate. I took the occurance for what it was worth. An affirmation for both me and my friend. That this is a brand new world. It was a very exciting moment, in both our lives.
I do not know whether my affliction (paranoid schizophrenia) is a gift or a curse. I don't know how to take it sometime. At times its a gift and a pleasure. And at others its a pain in the behind, very much a curse. But I can tell you that through perseverance and patience I have been brought out of these dark days. I see the light and am eager to learn more about it. After going through the trauma (the curse) the gift is much sweeter. For I know now, not in entirety, what this world has in store for us all. I wish for awesome days ahead. I wish for more discoveries into my person and what my duty is. I do not know what I am. Although I can tell you that I see a lot of me (motifs) in history. And it is a delight to my spirit, for I know I have accepted my place in this world. And no one, no thing can ever take that away. I was dragged through the mud for a reason... to come out cleaner on the otherside.
They Always Come Back...
It was my duty to watch over some people in their suffering. People who meant much to me and whom i was very attached to. One for instance was my grandmother. She was a wise ole' owl. Who always had a sharp quick witted word to say. She could look me in my eyes and let me know without even speaking. Though every-so-often she would speak on these things. She was smart and gave dignity to the saying, "Silence is Golden." It is. But it could also be very deafening. And in her case, maybe, just maybe the did. Come back. However my illness has taken another turn. I am posed with the idea that we cause our own suffering. I mean. In the affliction we are our own tortures. I don't know how exactly it works. But I do know a form of time travel is involved. Somehow our lives are like a string of pearls. We are all connected to our otherself bi/dimensional through the string. Yes you are a pearl. And the decisions we make in life cannot only effect others but also our higher self. But once you come to this understanding, that's its you doing it to you??? You know, it diminished in power. The voices either are our other selves coming to understanding that we are all in line. Like Stephen Hawkings said, "we are all turtles climbing over the backs of other turtles. Meaning we are all the same, We are all headed for the same destination. I would'nt go as far to call it manifest destiny but when I look at it from this new view it sure does seem like it. Self manifestation. You see, I am more concerned with the outcome rather then the steps I take to get there. I am climbing over your back and so you mine, we'll get there. Destiny is a destination. The route you choose to take is the deciding factor on who we are to ultimately all be.
Eckhart Tolle says that we must let go of the story of self. Who am I? Where do I come from? And to live here, in the present. The hear and now. The greatest moment of our lives is happening right now. Always time to change your course. Always time to take a second chance at living a good life. Without hassle of the problems religion can cause. We are all children of god, I was taught. I would think that's everyone from Islam to Mormons. All the way down to you Zoroasters Even Edgar Cayce says, "everything that has happened and is going to happen is happening right now (in the present). And how King Solomon said, "There is nothing new under the sun." We are the masters, get this, MASTERS OF OWN DESTINY! You wanna change the past you have to start in the present. You wanna change the future you have to learn from your past. The cycle goes on and on. These are pearls of wisdom. Or in Islam, that shooting light which is the whole of space is the silver string, and we are the pearls it binds.