Towards the end of my relationship with shannon, things really weren't good, I tried to fix it, but it was too little too late. I found that we became more and more distant, and it was like I didn't know her anymore, like she wasn't herself. at around this time, I began to develop feelings for someone else. That was actually My step mother Ann. I can't say why, it just seemed to happen. At first I felt totally weird and confused about it, and gradually I came to accept it for what it was. It was just a fantasy, one that I enjoyed a lot, but never became a reality. don't know if I should be grateful or not. throughout my twenties I spent a lot of time moving around dublin. at the age of 25 I ended up back in rathdowney for a few months. My parents harased me into signing up for college even though i knew nothing good would come of it. I started to notice that I didn't hear my voice in my head anymore, my inner voice had been overlayed with someone elses voice, it sounded high pitched and it really pissed me off. I told my father about this one day while we were walking the dogs. then one day it just happened all these voices came into my head and even though i could think every couple of words of my stream of thought was in the voice of a different person, it was like there were loads of people speaking what I was thinking, it was totally fucked up and I hated it. The next five years were like a descent into hell. I moved to carlow to start a course in computer games development as was my dream. but the voices got really bad, they were saying "we eat you" constantly I was scared and didn't know what was going on. I know my housemates didn't like me, can't really blame them. I didn't feel well at all, I would often dry retch in the mornings on my way to college. I had managed to get a loan and bought a motorbike, which i loved. my motorbike was awesome and I really liked driving around on it. after six months I got kicked out of the house. so I drove to dublin and I tried to get help from my family but they all insisted that I go into the mental health unit. I did for about a week, and then I signed myself out and left, I stayed in hostels i had about a thousand euro from my college grant. I had some very horrible experiences, the voices became so loud that I couldn't hear anything even on an empty street i could hear them as though they were standing only a few feet away shouting at me. eventually I managed to get a flat on south circular road. it was tiny and it wasn't very nice. I stayed there for about a year, shannon would come visit sometimes but it was not very nice because i could hear her voice in my head saying that she'd been fucking her friend and it was pretty horrible. My lung collapsed while I was living there and I nearly died, so I managed to call an ambulance and then I was taken to hospital where i was plugged into some kindof machine that sucked the air out of my lung. it was pretty fucking horrible. but i didn't stop smoking. after I was released it collapsed again and then i had surgery to get my lung glued to my chest cavity wall. eventually i was released and at the time i was being kindof harrased by the police, they would stop me every week or thereabouts and start asking me questions, i ended up in cells a few times for no reason other than not wanting to tell them anything. anyway the voices had gotten extremely loud, even earphones with max volume couldn't overpower the voices, I was barely able to think at all, because they were screaming so loudly. my parents had gone on holiday and i had been given the keys to our house in dublin to take care of it while they were away. I stayed there while they were gone because I hated my bed in my flat. it was a futon and it was a metal frame, one of the bars had fallen out and it was almost impossible to sleep on it because it was so uncomfortable. While I was staying in my parents house, the voices had been really bad and they kept saying "kill yourself michael" and "I hope you kill yourself michael" so I nearly did. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the scissors, but I couldnt do it. so I rang my sister and she came and took me to the hospital where i was admitted as a mental health patient and treated for schizophrenia. the first drug they put me on didn't really help and i was so dissapointed. the second one did work though and after a while, I noticed that they didn't sound as loud, they continued to get quieter for a while. That was the last time I was admitted to hospital. before I had been admitted I had bumped into an old friend who I had known a long time, she introduced me to one of her friends. they came to visit me while I was in hospital, and I was a bit surprised that anyone would even bother. When I was able I left hospital and moved out, I moved back to the north side of dublin and stayed there for a while I started a course in roslyn, which was the same one that i never finished the first time. I ended up living with my sister and her boyfriend after a while because it was very close to the college, but we eventually fell out and I moved in with ann. I really liked living with ann because i had been pretty obsessed with her, and she was nice to me most of the time. her and my father weren't living together and they didn't really see each other that often. I managed to finish my course. and I became good friends with carol and rachel the girls who visited me in hospital. Ann was getting ready to retire and sell her house so I moved out and got a flat nearby. I liked my flat it was quite cool, I had been in a motorbike accident before my lung collapsed and my bike had been totaled but i got some compensation because it was the other drivers fault. so I somehow managed to waste all that money, don't ask me how but i have very little to show for it. eventually my money ran out, and I could no longer survive on social welfare because every week i was scrapping the bottom of the barrel just to buy cigarettes my landlord refused to lower the rent and my friends had left the country, rachel and her boyfriend went to korea. and carol went to england. so i was alone again except for my fucked up family. and then I moved in with my dad so I could save some money. I have been here for about eight months and it was going quite well until recently even though i saved nothing. I recently came off my medication, not for any particular reason just to see. and a lot of memories have come back. My thoughts are not as slow as they were on medication. As soon as I came off I started noticing weird stuff. but I'll leave that for another chapter.