Michael Fitzpatrick

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I am adding this additional chapter to my introduction, because after I initially wrote the introduction, it was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that I have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that I have endured or overcome.  I wish ...


The Birth of Charles Leonard Wiggins

The story has already been written for awhile on my blog "From the heart of Praise, Prayer and Perseverance. 0; Here is a link to that posting, Below are the pictures of the blessed event.   http://fromthehea rt-dotwigg.blogsp ot.com/2008/03/an other-2-prayer-re quest-answered.ht ml


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Michael's Story > Categories > Voice of Madness

"Enter Insanity" 


Date Range: 06/08/2013 To 06/08/2013   Comments: 0   Views: 100
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As I said the voices started around the age of 25, I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia at around the age of 20. so it took me five years to develop the symptoms of the illness. before that my apparent symptoms were, delusions of grandeur! and thought broadcasting! It may seem hard for you to accept but most of my thoughts were just as rational as anyone else. I didn't think crazy off the wall stuff, what is off the wall? I read philosophy and I was interested in ideas like plato's cave, socrates demon, the brain in the vat theory and shrodinger's cat. I played games drank a lot of coffee, smoked a lot of cigarettes fucked the shit out of my girlfriend and listened to music, played guitar and watched movies, I went to the cinema. I didn't stop living my life just because I had been diagnosed with something I didn't really believe in. The thoughts I had that would be considered mad by some were about "the matrix" but if you read the matrix post you would see that there was a lot of that stuff going on in my life, so why wouldn't I think about it a lot? Is it mad to think about whats going on in your life? I don't think so! even today when I do hear voices talking to me, it's not me thats mad! I'm not the insane one! the voice that is my voice is quite rational, I try to either ignore the others or tell them to fuck off, is that mad! you would maybe say that the fact that I hear voices in the first place is mad? well, let me put it to you this way. I don't and never did believe those voices were coming from me. I refuse to believe that bullshit. Why would I do that to myself, read my life story for fuck sake, isn't that bad enough? Why would I need to make myself feel any worse than I already do? How do the "voices" know when to say the right thing at just the right time? how is it possible? Here's an interesting question, do deaf schizophrenics hear voices? even if they were born deaf? I'm sorry I wanted to believe your lame explanation, but it's just not good enough. Let me tell you about the hell i've been through. In carlow the voices would tell me that "your food", "we eat you human!" and then that continued for a long time, when i moved back to dublin I heard the voices trying to get me to kill myself by saying things like "kill yourself michael" and "michael please kill yourself" or simply "die" and "just die michael" obviously I didn't. Later I was on medication but the voices never went away completley they called me "Lucifer" and "welcome to hell" and "this is hell" they have also told me to "kill everyone!" I have never done anything they told me to, I always tell them to fuck off or leave me alone or get out of my head or get out of my life. I also heard voices telling me to "believe in god" but i don't. I remember once hearing that god has written everyones life story in a book and that at the end of the book it's signed god, seriously? Can you imagine your kind loving caring god inscribing his name on my life story? I don't fucking think so. Yeah I'm a heretic blasphemer Infidel whatever you want to call it. Fuck YOU! I'll believe whatever the fuck I want, and you can't make me believe anything else. I tried, I tried to read the bible, you know what I thought the second i got a few pages in... "this is total bullshit, who the fuck believes this shit?", really? men who live to be a thousand years old and their sons living to be 986 or whatever the fuck, it's fucking ridiculous, wake the fuck up! I tried to read the quran( spell??) and again I had the same problem, all that talk about angels and stuff I just can't believe that crap. whats the point of an angel? what is the point? why do angels have wings that stick out of their backs? it doesn't make sense? in evolution wings wouldn't grow out of your back, your arms would become wings, so why are their wings on their backs? fuck it all its so fucking stupid. Heaven and Hell, if you can't see it for what it is you must be blind, it's just a control mechanism, just another way to control people. do what we say and in the next life you will be rewarded or otherwise you will suffer forever, pretty powerful statement. What if you die and that's it? all those years praying, all the sins that you didn't commit all the preaching all of it for what? I know in a sense we continue, energy can neither be created or destroyed but can only change from one form to another, but that doesn't mean our energy will even be concious. I just feel bad about it, I can't believe you believe that stuff, its so obvious what it is, but your just like sheep and jesus is your shepard, leading you to the slaughter. Why do you have to believe things that don't make sense? If you just look hard enough the truth is out there! its all around you. You know what I've been through, I have auditory hallucinations ( apparently ) and I've also had tactile hallucinations ( apparently ) I have felt my wrists being slit open, I could feel the blood pouring out of me. I was lying in bed one night when i was living in ovoca road, and I felt something push its way into my back, there were lots of little things and they crawled through my body to different parts of me, it was one of the scariest and most disgusting things i had ever felt. one of the things went into my brain. one went into my leg, the one in my leg kept bashing against my leg and when I looked at my leg it was visibly spasming, it was a very strong spasm that didn't stop even when I pressed my hand hard against it. I could feel things crawling up my nose and into my ears and ass. I could feel things on my eyes, and one time I looked in the mirror and there was some kind of gunge on my eye a thick glob of it on my right eye. I have felt stabbing sensations all over my body as though i am being repeatedly stabbed. I have felt sensations of having my toes cut off. When I was released from hospital the last time, I was trying to apply for a job, I was walking down the street, suddenly my vision went completley red, totally red I couldn't see anything. I heard thunder directly above me, three times it sounded. A voice shouted loudly "YOUR LORD LUCIFER" my vision came back and the thunder was still going, know what i did? lol I ducked behind a guy who was standing at the atm machine, wasn't very good cover cause he looked at me and smiled, he must have thought i was some kind of idiot and then he walked off leaving me totally exposed. This is the kind of shit I have had to put up with. But nobody wants to know, nobody cares, whatever. I don't believe in anything anymore, I don't even believe in me. The voice that's in my head as I'm typing this, isn't even my voice, it doesn't sound like me at all. Not only that, recently all in a matter of 8 months my body and face look different, people say i've gained weight but i haven't gained that much weight. My eyes were always a dark blue colour, now they are bright blue. My penis, don't even get me started... it changes size every time I look at it! that never happened until I came back to rathdowney eight months ago. not only that I see UFO's in the sky, I know I'm not imagining them because even my parents saw them. I am usually awake at night and a few nights ago I saw something, it was running across our garden it was smaller than a human and looked kindof like an alien from aliens except it was brown it turned invisible after a second or two. I hear things at night strange noises. sometimes I hear cows in the next field, I went out one night and was looking around it was bright outside, guess what there were no cows in the field, there weren't cows in any of the fields in that direction, what the fuck is that? I read about an optical illusion online where you stare into a mirror in candle light with the candle behind you, really look at yourself for a long time and keep eye contact, what is supposed to happen is you see different faces, there is a so called scientific explanation for it. I went and did it, I saw something very fucking weird looking at me, my head felt fucked up for two days afterwards and I had a hard time looking at my reflection. the same day but later I went out for a smoke in the evening it was dark, when I looked up I saw a star it started to flash brightly, much brighter than any star ever and then it would go really dim, it was like someone turning a flashlight on and off. Seriously I wish all this stupid shit would stop, I really want it to just fucking stop. I hate this shit. I hate my fucking crap life. fuck you all. fuck your shitty world. fuck your fake gods and saviours fuck all the crap that you believe in. I don't believe in anything, nothing. you know, i'm not even scared when stuff like that happens anymore, I just don't know what to think, usually i just stand there and stare at whatever it is until it goes away. Why does this shit keep happening to me, I'd do anything to go back to when it was just me and mom and sis in cardiff, when i felt like summer would never end and everything was new and interesting and wonderful. You don't know what this has done to me, I'm not the way I was before. when I was a kid, I was so cute absolutley adorable, I was really shy and I would literally hide when people knocked on the door. I was so fucking innocent, man I almost can't believe anyone could be that innocent, but I was. I was very loving, I really loved my sis and mom with all my heart. Fuck you all for doing this to me, I hope your shitty fake god burns you all in hell for this! I didn't do this to myself. This is not how I wanted things to go. If you read my life story you would see that's obvious, things never seem to go the way I would like them to go. Man I fucking hate you. The internet... just a place for weird freaks to vent all their hate and sexual whatever on people, I don't wanna fucking hear it. I don't fucking care. Fuck you and your life, fuck you and everything about you. If i ever find out who is responsible for this mess, I'll fucking torture you to death. this whole world is totally fucked, you are all fucked. this whole reality is totally fucked, nothing makes sense anymore. my life is fucking ruined. I bet your secretly hoping that I go kill myself or something right? I'm gonna fucking find you...

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