First, I'm a 19 year old computer lover that cant seem to get a grasp on life. I've been thru so much but the worse thing i have been thru my whole life is a broken home. Living with only five family members is crazy. I mean ofcourse i have more family then that, but true family it's only five. I have my loving mom that will never give up on me. then my aunt and uncle who are like foster parents to me since my mom works so much. And there's my two cousins who treat me right but won't think of me first,it's not like im saying they should but it would be nice if they did ever once in awhile. My life is just a crazy mess everything was'nt to bad two years ago but then i got the news that the first love of my life Brittni, was having my baby. I freaked out and messed everything up i went to snorting cokcan and useing needles. Crazy too at the age of 17 i was more screwed then ever. I ended up meeting a girl and thought it was a good idea to get my mind off of things, witch is the worse thing i have ever done as a man. But even a girl could'nt get my mind off Brittni. So one day my cousin who i had been living with asked if i would go to california with him....... I agreed.....And boy what a messtake that turned out to be. We ran in to a meth dealer. After about two weeks in Long Beach,Califonia, i found my self seating in a police station. Cousin robbed a Best Buy. After all that i would'nt leave our hotel room at all, i was to scared that something would happen. After all the cop stuff i found out the girl i meet before i lift home was cheating on me. I thought real long and hard and broke i started talking to my Brittni. I plained to go home and be a family with her and my baby. But about a month after all the cop stuff my aunt came down by plane. Then sent me back to Texas, and as i seat there in my seat on the plane i kept looking at my self. I was one hundered and nine pounds, my body hurt so bad all i could do was cry. Once i got home i saw my mom and thought everything would be good,but the second i went home i learned that my whole bedroom was trashed i had nothing but the cloths i had in my bag. My life felt like complete crap, and the only thing i wanted was to be able to see my son. But ha.... There was no way i could go see him looking like i did, i looked like nothing but a junky that should be dead. I tried once to kill my self in California, by slicing my arm in the hotel room but cops came before i could complete bleed out. And then i tried again whene i got home, i grabbed a bottle of pills didnt know what they really were just knew it said ( if over dose happens call 911)Thought hey why not but they didnt do the job. And as soon as i was done puking the pills up i took a good hard look at my self. There was no way in hell i was ready to be with her and him. But at the same time i didnt want to be alone so even tho my girlfriend had cheated i stayed with her and boy we had our up's and down's. We lasted for a year and ahalf. But now im coming down to where i can think right again and maybe be good enough for my son. But my only problem is i have no idea where to start on all this, like how do i be a dad, how do will i take care of them a job at Walmart wont do it and college well thats a long shot. I just wish i knew what to do with my life at these point. I have so many paths to choose, but witch one should i take? I don't think i'll ever find the right answer for it. But i have to find saomething quick, i don't do good being alone and not having anybody to hold and love! And that's really all i want is to be able to hold someone, wait scratch that. I really just want to be able to hold Brittni and love her. She's my first love and i don't belive you should have more then one love. I just want things to be good between us again, like it used to be two years ago. That's all i want. But it's so far away. I't might as well be a dream at this point, because i know she forgives me but she wont forget witch means i'll live the rest of my life wishing i would have been a man.