I find it difficult to introduce myself today; when once I was easily able to pen a quick bio of introduction, today I struggle with finding the right words to express exactly who I am so as to give a clear picture of who it is that begins this journey in writing.  Eighteen months ago I could have told you I was Jacquie Perez, college graduate with a double major in History and in English, one of the top graduates of my class, honorary member of Phi Theta Kappa and Phi Alpha Theta.  It would be so easy to write how I am the proud mother of three beautiful teenage daughters and the proud wife of a US Army Soldier-Hero in the War Against Terror in Afghanistan. 

Even more so, I would, with excitement, share that I am called by God in Heaven to touch lives through evangelism and through teaching kids who have been hurt, desperately crying out for help in a world so busy and so self-centered their cries are lost; I would share that I have a passion for giving and gain joy and pleasure from the joy others receive from my gifts; that I would do anything to bless those who are annointed and called to serve those less fortunate than ourselves.  Eighteen months ago, I could have, with clarity, shared all of this an more with my readers, giving a distinct picture of who I am, but today is different. 

Today I am a shadow of who I once was.  Unrecognizable to my husband who only recently returned from Afghanistan, to my girls who have watched as one attack after another pelted me emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually, destroying my confidence, shattering my faith in those who claim to be Christians called to serve Christ through serving others. 

Today I find no joy in my life; emotionally detached from my children, my husband, family members and friends.  I question my abilities, my thoughts, whether I'm strong enough, brave enough, to overcome the next challenge or obstacle.  Today I fear the next obstacle, because to me, it will be more than I can bear, a weight I will crumble beneath.  Fear runs rampant within my heart; fear of failure especially, failing God for another time, failing my husband, my girls, all those kids who looked to me for help or guidance, I can no longer advise with confidence, rather shrug my shoulders and shake my head, no words even to speak.  This, this is who I am today, and I am on a desperate journey in search of me.