Just another day. He made dinner, which I always thank him for and then I clean up. Kids were put to bed. Oh. My. God. I can’t remember why he was mad at me. It was only 2 days ago.
He was angry for a while even before the kids were put to bed. Audrey even was talking about how I should tell him I love him to make him happy. She kept coming up with stuff for me to do to make him happy. He stormed off into his computer room and sat in his big chair. We came in there so I could tell him I love him. But I still don’t remember why he was mad at me.
My memory has been unbelievably bad lately.
I can’t think.
Oh God, help.
After the kids were put to bed I sat down next to him on the couch while he was watching tv. We started talking and then WHAM, just like that, his face was so close to mine. He was yelling at me, not caring if the kids heard him. Cameron started to cry in his room. I got up and walked into the bedroom further away from the kid’s room, he followed and he stood over me, IN MY FACE. Yelling!
I don’t remember what he was saying. I did ask him if he wanted to hit me. He said no. I said then get out of my face. He wouldn’t. So I pushed him. Of course, that did nothing. By this time, I’m crying.
He was extremely tense, his whole 6’6” frame hovering over me, leaning down so his face was a centimeter from mine. Hatred radiating from his eyes. His face contorted and screwed up. I have never seen him this angry before.
He wouldn’t back up, so I walked around him to go to Cameron and soothe him back to sleep.
I didn’t want to come back out the kid’s room. The safety of my baby in my arms. I know “he” wouldn’t really hurt me and never ever would he hurt the kids.
Why me? What did I do to deserve this? This hate? I am not that bad of a person. I know I’m not perfect but I have not done anything to deserve this.
God, I hurt. I can’t stop crying now. Now that I’m at work, trying to remember this and write it all down. I have to keep my cool though at work.
I want to cry hard. I will. In private. Not now.
We don’t talk very well. I try. I feel like he’s such a baby sometimes. He gets upset about the stupidest things.
Then he gets that smug look on his face, just like his mother. Ugh! I hate it!
I went back into the room and sat down on the bed. He was seated across from me on the chair. I close up. I feel like I’ve been trying to get him to understand me for so long and so times like this when we get into a huge fight, I shut down. I realize that whenever he talks and I try to counter him it will get worse. So I shut up and let him rant.
I sat there for an hour. I really did listen. I wanted to speak up! Believe me, there were many things that I had justifiable reason to stand up for myself. But I let him go on and on. He wouldn’t look at me which is fine because I didn’t want to look at his eyes. They bother me. I sat there and watched him. I kept my mouth shut.
He would ask me a question here or there and I still didn’t say anything. He was looking for a reason to bash me. Looking for a way to prove he was right and I was dead wrong.
I was still hurting from the fact that he got in my face! My brother did that. He got so close to my face when he yelled at me. My brother beat me. I do not like that! Stay out of my face! He could be an adult and talk to me like he was at that moment when he was sitting in a chair. There was no reason for that behavior!
God, I love him, but I can’t stand to look at his face right now. I can’t stand to look at his picture or hear his voice. I don’t want to live without him but please help us!
Whatever his reasons are…sure, we all make mistakes or treat each other poorly. We’re all guilty of it. He is just as guilty for the poor way he treats me and I do him. He is no better than me.
Oh, now I remember why he was mad at me. I was telling him about my day. The sad thing is he always brings this back to haunt me. He tells me that I’m so miserable where I work and that I take it home and treat the kids bad and he absolutely hates it.
I’m not that bad. I love my job. I don’t hate it. I’m not dreading going to work every day. I’m not exactly looking forward to it, but I’m content. Maybe I do talk more about the negative at work. Funny, how lately (and I mean months and months) I’ve been the one to listen to him go on and on about work. I try to listen and be supportive, I know I told him this and he didn’t agree with me. And seriously, this is the first time that I’ve talked about my day to him in months.
So I come home and I have two screaming babies at my feet and it goes on for most of the night. What the hell? He expects me to be Superwoman and paste a smile on my face and act like nothings wrong. Forget you! He doesn’t have two children crying at his feet when he walks in the door. As a matter of fact, they don’t want to have anything to do with him. Cameron will lean away from him when I’m holding him and will cry that he doesn’t even want him near. Audrey straight up says that she don’t want Daddy. So there, na.
I had a tough day. It’s always tough when I have to do Fire Brigade (training every 6 weeks). So I was dog tired. My body hurt. Honestly, when I put on my gear, I say I’m putting on my stupid suit because I immediately get dumb. I feel like all my faculties are handicapped and I can’t see, hear, or talk. Which is understandable, I'll post a picture later when I get home.
It wasn’t that difficult of a drill. The Fire Brigade Leader asked me to stick by him during the drill. I felt a little bad because the Attack Team and RIT team both had very old guys that could’ve been in my place next to the Leader instead of going in on their knees to an area that has a huge valve giving them a bumping hazard and knee cap replacement guarantee. I told Mike this, how I wanted to help these old guys. How it wasn’t fair they had to be in the Fire Brigade to keep their job as an HP. Mike told me to take it further and fight for these guys. I told him that I had already, I notified the state and talked to someone regarding how they do business here and they pretty much told me tough luck. I can complain until I’m blue in the face at work and nobody is going to do anything about it. I told him that I won’t fight someone else’s battle anymore. These old guys can do something about it if they wanted to. I’m not their martyr.
I have fought battles before at work. I have had times where my peers have looked to me to go to war for them and then when push came to shove they would run and hide. Then I looked like a fool. It took me a while to realize that I wanted to save the world and fight for others but they wouldn’t stand behind me. I can’t work like that. I’ve had to stop myself.
I tell Mike about my day just this one time and look how it ends up. I listen to him for all that he do and I can’t talk. I’m just a nobody. I’m to be seen and not heard.
I can’t think right now. I’m hurting so bad. Ok. Breathe.
At this point, Mike decides to tell me what I should do. I didn’t ask for this. I just wanted to tell him about my day, that’s all. Just someone to listen. I just wanted him to see how physically and mentally I get drained even if half of it is self-inflicted.
But he’s doesn’t stop. He is so animated and angry. It’s hard to sit by and listen to him without saying anything. Finally, I tell him that although I appreciate his passion I wished that he would stop. I know this was the nail in the coffin but I told him I’m not the only one that feels like sometimes he lectures. Even the children.
Well, he stormed off and went into our bathroom to let off his steam. Audrey who is accurately aware of everyone’s feelings drags me by the hand to go talk to him and tell him that I love him. So I do. It didn’t help.
So that’s how it starts.