What a storm, what a storm, what a storm. This must be what my home state looked like in caveman times, and it had to be one had to be the snow catastrophe of the 21stcentury and, no doubt, the 22nd. I shoveled twenty inches until my sciatic nerve said: Enough's enough! I had no electricity, no cable TV, no phone, no History Channel International and no internet for forty-two hours. I'm going to CTS (Comcast Therapy Session) a week from this coming Tuesday. I just found out, that I'm an IP Junky. Anybody else have this problem?
So I paid my redneck neighbor ten dollars to plow my driveway with his monster four-wheel drive truck, and threw in two five dollar coupons on a carton of Marlboro's for a tip. I hated to do that to his lungs, but he did save my back. My driveway is so big that...let me tell you about our tent party.
In late September, 2003, we had a second reception for our son and daughter-in-law at our house. Just in case it rained, I rented a large tent to hold all the food, booze and eighty people if they all came, which they did plus a couple of people I didn't recognize, but we fed then anyway. We fit this canvas monstrosity plus two cars in my driveway, and the food and wine flowed freely. It was a good time for all, but some people got shi...face...extremely tipsy.When I noticed my brother-in-law walking, or floating to his car, I ran to ask him:
“Gerry, are you gonna drive home?”
He thought for a second and said matter-of-factly “Hell yes...I'm too drunk to walk.”
No you're not. I drove him home. Sometimes, I can be a nice guy.
My original plan was to have my brother, who was taking sky-diving lessons at the time, parachute in when all the gifts were being opened. I'd give him the envelope with our cash present in it, so he could give it to Paul. It would have been a memorable event—at least in my eyes—but my wife nixed it as it would've have been too “trashy.” There's a fine line between good taste and gaudy, and I've never been able to understand it, but I gave in and called it off; to keep the peace. Some said what about if your bro decided to skip out with the money. I said the only one who did that and didn't get caught was D.B. Cooper, and how hard would it be to find a stranded parachutist in Ohio? We've got trees out the yang.
As I look out at the two-foot snow packed in by a 0 degrees sunrise, I think the only people that still believe in global warming must live in Australia, or Mexico or the Holy Land. I'm sitting here knowing that I've got to go to Lowes today in this climate and I'm thinking “bring it on,please, bring it on.” A lot of our leaders have changed the theme to “hope and climate change.”
Enough already, change it before I have to buy wool underwear and socks from a little old man somewhere in Maine.