There are those walking among us who appear too dumb too live. These people hide in plain sight, just waiting for the opportunity exhibit their dumbness to the general public. It’s like a compulsion, they just can’t help themselves. During the course of one day I can say without a doubt that I encountered at least four of these folks. Now I’m not exactly the epitome of common sense, and I’ll be the first to admit it. However, at times I stand in awe of what I see unfold before my eyes.
My first brush with dumbness occurred in the morning, when I stopped at a fast food restaurant drive-thru. I like iced coffee. It’s a northern thing, I guess. I say this because every time I order one, it creates confusion among the employees, and I end up repeating my order like five times. Maybe they need an interpreter to translate, I don‘t know. It’s not like I say, “I’d like a tall iced half-caff skinny soy mocha latte….and hold the whip.” If that were the case, these guys would need blueprints. As it is, they can’t find their butts using both hands, a flashlight, and a search party. That morning held no surprises.
Speaker Guy: Welcome to ___. Would you like to try a caramel or mocha frappuccino today?
Me: Yes. I’d like a large mocha one, please. (I waited while they huddled inside)
Pretty cut and dry, right? Yet, when I arrived at the first window, I saw a hand hanging out from the second window, holding a small cup of hot coffee. Even after explaining myself, he still struggled with my order.
TDTLP(too dumb to live person): So you want an iced mocha?
Me: No, I want a mocha frappuccino.
TDTLP: So you want this one (in his hand) with ice?
Me: (wondering what stagnant gene pool his mama dipped her toe in) No, I want a mocha frappuccino.
TDTLP: You mean the slushy one?
Me: (mental eyeroll) Yeah, the slushy one.
TDTLP: Okay. Pull up and I’ll make it and bring it out to you.
I wanted to bang my head against the steering wheel. My mom, also a Yank and such a delicate flower, experienced a similar incident at the same place. Short on patience, she leaned over the counter and asked, “Do you speak English?” I think she was placed on a customer watch list after that day.
What about drivers? Vehicles should be equipped with scrolling marquee signs on the roofs. Inside, an LCD screen would offer the driver several choice messages to be scrolled across the sign for other drivers to read. This feature would have come in quite yesterday today when I pulled onto a short street next to the parking lot of a bookstore. Coming toward me, on the SAME SIDE of the street, was a gentleman (another TDTLP) driving a minivan. He never even saw me, as he was too busy turning left into another parking lot. If my truck had the roof sign feature, I could have selected the “Hey Moron, you’re in America and we drive on the RIGHT side of the road here!”, at which point he would have seen his error and made the appropriate adjustment. Or he could have just shot me the finger, like the old man I pulled out in front of last week.
Merging is another challenging maneuver for drivers around here to execute. Perhaps an appropriate sign for these situations could read “Merging is not a form of speed dating, people. It’s a driving term. We are simply combining two lanes of traffic. This action DOES NOT require your vehicle to come to a complete stop,” could be an optional scrolling message. Lord knows the drivers have the time to read it while their dormant vehicle is holding up the folks who actually know how to drive.
As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that a much smaller version of this sign attached to a key ring would be beneficial to other TDTLP we deal with when we’re out and about. At the touch of a button, you can offer corrective instruction to the offending party, assuming they can read.
Examples Of Other Too Dumb To Live People (in no particular order):
1. Those who cannot count change (even incorrectly) back to customers when the register does all the calculating ain‘t the brightest bulbs. Why are they working the cash registers?
2. Anyone who confuses Noah’s Ark with Joan of Arc (see The Amazing Race) makes the list. No, honey. Joan of Arc did not have a boat full of animals…bless your pea pickin’ heart.
3. Americans who cannot name the current vice president, or any political figure for that matter, make the list. Ever seen those folks on TV who get stopped on the street and asked questions? Definitely to dumb to live, and probably shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
4. This group should go without saying - drivers who pimp out their rides by dangling testicles from the trailor hitch -- I saw a pair of glowing testicles drive by my house one evening -- orange, I think. Gee, I wonder if that guy’s still single.
I think government airplanes fly over this place and release chemicals that dumb-down those who are susceptible. There’s just no other explanation besides inbreeding. Sandal season’s approaching. I think I’ll start checking for webbed toes. Wal-Mart should be ripe with them.