A couple days ago, I dreaded coming home. I asked God to intervene. I asked him to take this burden from my shoulders because I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked the Holy Spirit to fill me even though I didn’t feel like it.
I walked in the door and I became pleasant. I felt like someone else was pulling the puppet strings but without my knowledge and yet with all of my consent. I wasn’t in control, it felt like I wasn’t really there.
I gave him a hug and told him I Ioved him. He said it back, but his eyes diverted. There was no emotion.
Usually I get looks of disgust and hatred (not when I say I love you, but other times). Last night I got nothing. Apathy. Lately he's been buying me expensive gifts. Sure, I love them but where’s the daily affection? He says I don’t give it to him. How can I give it to him when he looks at me like that?
Last night the kids fell asleep early so we took the opportunity to jump in the hottub. Before I describe this evening let me go back.
My husband has a thing for naturally curly brown haired freckled women. Oh yeah. It goes way back. First time I noticed was my friend Sue back in Minnesota. Sue is a very well-endowed woman. She had to get a reduction for several reasons, but when I was her roommate she was au natural. I never questioned the attraction that he had for her. I mean who would? She has a great personality, very sportsman-like, and down to earth.
Side note: I’m hurting so bad right now that I can’t function at work. I’m on the verge of tears every second and my stomach is twisted up in anxiety.
The reasons I know my husband has a thing for them are the way his body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice changes around these women. He’s like a little boy.
Another time, we were working in New York. His work crew had their own trailer outside the plant and I would go visit once in a while. One day, I saw him standing very close to an administrative assistant. She had all the qualities that I mentioned before. As soon as he saw me walk towards him he backed away. I was very uncomfortable standing there. Like I was interrupting something. A week or so later, he called to tell me he was driving her home from work because she needed a ride. I sat in our apartment wondering if he was kissing her at that moment. It wasn’t like there weren’t fifty other guys in the trailer that she could have asked.
A couple months later and it was my birthday. Mike bought me an outfit. It was exactly the type of clothes that this girl wore all the time, it was her signature! At the time, it wasn’t my style at all. She wore holey knit black sweaters with long sleeves and hip-hugger tight jeans. Ok, that hurt.
As if I didn’t notice! Do I look stupid?
Did I ever mention the time when he was in California and I was in Washington and he called to tell me that him and his coworkers picked up some girls at a restaurant they just met and they went for a limo ride bar-hopping? I said have fun. Of course, I’m no saint. I had a friend whom I would secretly email and talk to. We decided to meet one time outside of work and guess what? We were busted by my father-in-law. But it was strictly platonic anyways.
For many many years we’ve been living a lie. He tells me that he’s had to deal with my depression and he’s sick of it. I tell him he knew what he was getting into when he first met me. We had a cycle of getting into bad arguments. Every 3 months or so. I remember calling my sister after one year of being married and crying to her that the honeymoon was over. But lately we just seem to exist. When we fight, it’s a horrific event.
This is how it feels to me. Mike is never satisfied (hmmm like his mother) and is constantly changing things. So does that mean after a while he's decided I'm not good enough? I'm sure his mother has put that suggestion in his mind. And I'm not exaggerating. We’ve been through two home remodels (one in progress. I take full responsibility for this one.), converting a Greyhound bus into an RV (never completed. Lot of money down the tube.), a couple of business endeavors (he never got them off the ground and also very costly) because he doesn’t know what would make him happy and he would use the excuse of trying to make me happy, and numerous grand ideas of get rich quick schemes (like my father. Scary.).
He has a way of being hard on others for his own like faults. For instance, he tells his son, Austin, that he won’t get things handed to him but he needs to work for it. Isn’t it true to some extent that we are hard on others when we see our own faults in them?
Granted Mike works hard, but I also see the flipside. For instance, he wants to be famous with his band. When he first started the band he would go practice at his buddy’s house once a week. This guy, Sam, was his best friend. They are so alike it’s scary. This would be a long story and I really need to separate that one out. Let’s just say Sam got upset that they weren’t so good and he jumped on Mike and his brother for not practicing at home.
Mike came home very upset. He vented to me and asked my advice/opinion. I told him if he wants to be great he has to be serious and practice every day. He needs to live, eat, breathe his music. I asked him, “Did he think Madonna quite after her 1st hit? I don’t think so. I think she had many vocal and dance instructors to keep moving forward.”
I hate to say this but he doesn’t try that hard. To top it off he’s managing the band himself and unfortunately he is notoriously playing gigs for only a handful of people – empty bars. Not so good.
I was wondering how long it would take him to realize something. I want him to have his band. I think it’s a great creative outlet. But when’s he going to grow up and realize he’s 40 and not going to be a young rockstar? I don’t mind him playing still but I don’t see fame and fortune a part of our future.
The other side of this coin is Mike plays the family man very well. He spends time with the kids and he cooks. I’m not ungrateful. He has taken that responsibility, but he’s lying to himself. He’s needs to realize it himself not from someone telling him. I have tried telling him in a good way because I don’t want to squash his dreams. I am and will continue to support him. Ok, so I pussyfoot around, sugar-coat it, beat around the bush. He’s going to believe what he wants and actually he’s so stubborn that there really is no telling him what he doesn’t want to hear. I don’t want him to be a shell of a man and I don’t want him to come back and blame me.
Ok a little closer to the present. My friend, Tara, has naturally curly brown hair and freckles. She straightens her hair though. She also has a very easy-going, pleasant personality and everyone loves to be around her. I may not have noticed initially Mike’s attraction toward her but I gradually saw it. His demeanor was more light. He looked to her for validation. I would see him say something funny then look out of the corner of his eyes to see her reaction. I didn’t mind this. In fact, it was refreshing to know I had a friend that he approved of for once. Then I noticed he bought some new clothes, a more casual GQ style that he didn’t wear before. Whenever Tara came over he put these on. I thought it was cute. Then Tara came over…
She called and asked me if we could jump in the hottub that night. I said sure come on over. I told Mike she was coming. He changed his clothes. I didn’t think that Tara may want to talk with me alone. Girl talk.
Well, we got in the tub and just sat down and out comes Mike ready to jump in. Tara’s like “oh, he’s joining us.” He gets in and then we’re trying to get the jets working. Here’s the deal. The knobs on one side are for the other side of the tub from where you are sitting. Weird, huh? Mike comes over to Tara and leans over her to adjust the knob behind her. What’s up with that you say? You’ll see.
He lingered there. A long time. He was checking her out. There was no mistaking. I saw Tara pull her knees up and cross her arms over her chest. That’s when I got uncomfortable. I gave Mike a look. When he finally noticed me he went back into “his corner”. Then before I know it he sits in the middle. He never sits in the middle to talk to me. He always sits in his corner. The jets stopped and the water was calm. He was checking her out again!
It’s time to get out and I get out the side by Mike which is the only good way. Tara gets up and then sits back down when Mike doesn’t move. I told Mike to get out so she can and he said she can still get out he’s not stopping her. So she had to get out pretty much right by him. I couldn’t watch. The cuteness of his attraction to her was gone.
Now, there are some things that I haven’t told Tara and now that I’ve told her about this site she may be reading some of this stuff and be uncomfortable. I don’t know. So Tara, if you want to stop reading do so now. I’m warning you.
One time when Tara and I were in the tub talking I came in the house and found Mike sitting in our lazy boy chair in my bedroom which is directly next to the window where the tub is outside. He had our bedroom TV down so low he couldn’t hear anything. He was obviously listening to us. We bought the chair so I could take care of the baby when we first got home from the hospital. I have not seen him sit in that chair for any other reason except…
Another time, Tara and I were in the living room talking girl talk and when she left for the night I looked in our bedroom and there he was on that chair which was also closest to the door. Any other time and he’s laying on the bed to watch TV.
Ok, so whatever, right? Big deal. It’s not really. I’m just building up to it.
So, the next day after the tub incident when he lingered and googled her, I was really bothered by it. I called Tara on my way to work to apologize for my husband. She was fine about it. Then I sent him an email because he was at home and I was at work. I didn’t want to talk and have everybody at work hear me and by writing it down I was hoping I would feel better. His response is classic. Starts off that yes, he was checking her out but he was also checking me out. (I don’t recall.) He admitted he liked her, said she was good for me. Made comments about the jets not working and how one popped out and hurt him one day so he wanted to make sure it didn’t hurt someone (this is true).
Basically, he made an excuse for everything he did. Claimed he didn’t realize he dressed up for her. Then he turns the table on me. Says I’m not affectionate to him and he’s lonely.
Please, I still give it to him. I try to be affectionate, I know I could do better. He’s not being affectionate to me either. I’m struggling to feel loved here as well.
The last part of his response he apologizes and says he will tell Tara sorry and that he loves me. As far as I know he didn’t say anything to Tara. And I still want to know where’s the love?
I did feel semi-good after reading his response and I called him to clear the air. We haven’t spoken about it since.
Present: we went into the tub last night and I was cheerful and talkative. In the past we would just ignore each other. So I’m telling him about my day. He sits in his corner. Hardly any emotion whatsoever. He’s clearly not interested in anything I have to say. He doesn’t even pretend to be interested. What am I to think? What would you think?
I’m sick to my stomach thinking about it. I’ve been so depressed about us that I can’t function. I can’t concentrate.
I don’t want to hurt the kids. They are so young. But if there really is no feeling there then why am I wasting my time? Why am I sticking around or keeping him around when he may not love me? Or better yet, why do I stick around when I get treated so poorly and blamed for everything not just by him but even by his mother?
There was another story I wrote about a time when he was so angry at me that he was yelling an inch from my face. He said something that night . He said “if he knew now he wouldn’t have had the kids…then he retracted and said he doesn’t regret the kids.” Wow. That says it all.
You just can’t take things back once their spoken. I’ve got a lot of hurt and it’s gonna take a lot of healing. I’m scared.
We’re going to Las Vegas in a couple weeks for a friend that’s getting married. Mike and I will be alone without the kids. Good and bad. We seem to do fine alone but this seems different to me. Are we going to end up coming out a Vegas with divorce in mind? I truly don’t think he loves me or likes me for that matter.
I can’t talk to him. I can’t even look at him sometimes because I get disgust and hate from his eyes. God I hurt so bad. I’m shaking. I’m not that bad of a person. Not at all. I don’t deserve this. What’s going to happen to us?
I know we need a counselor. We tried in the past. He stopped. I don’t think he even realizes the severity of our relationship right now. He wasn’t completely honest with the counselor in the past. He purposely did not tell the counselor about his ex and their son together. He told me beforehand he didn’t want to talk about that. I think that is a big elephant in the room. His ex has brain cancer and may not live much longer. His son is 17 and they do not get along. Mike is so hard on him.