So as I already told you I first saw the matrix movie during the year of my junior cert in 1999. I had become a stoner and was listening to a lot of heavy metal. The first time I saw the matrix I just thought it was a cool movie. It inspired me, I really wanted to be like the main character "neo", I bought a trench coat, and decided to learn how to program and all that kinda stuff. but nothing really happened for a while I was too busy with my fucked up life. but I often thought about it. It wasn't until I was living in rathdowney at the age of about 19 or 20 when things started to get weird. I watched the 2nd and 3rd movie and played enter the matrix as I was an avid gamer. I started teaching myself how to program in C. At first I felt this incredibly strange feeling almost like I had died and been reborn, hard to explain, I felt totally different. I no longer had any interest hanging around smoking joints and I really felt like my whole life was just some kind of sick and twisted game or worse a prison just like morpheus said it was. I moved back to dublin as I told you and then I was admitted into hospital. It seemed at the time that the music i was listening to had all these refrences to "the one" and "trinity" and all that kindof stuff. when I was out of hospital and had my own flat, for a while I felt incredibly strong, I wasn't taking medication because I didn't want to live a lie. But I felt good in myself, I started to think that other people could hear my thoughts as though I was broadcasting them over a speaker and people were listening to what I was thinking. I listened to the music and It was almost like I was an underground radio station that people were tuned into. The music described what was going on, and I was passing the information on to other people. By the time I was going out with shannon, it was all I could think about. I spent hours upon hours disecting the entire thing in my mind, trying to find the meaning, I was totally obsessed. I would always choose things that were red, as I wanted anyone watching to know that I choose the red pill, that was my way of letting them know. I started to see things that I definatley wasn't imagining and were really there, but any time i tried to point it out to anyone they said i was seeing coincidences where there were none. I was attending glen malure day care hospital and as an outpatient. one day while I was going in there was a bike with matrix written on the crossbar chained to the railing of the centre. I went inside and told the doctor who didn't believe me, she knew all about my ideas. when we went outside and saw the bike, she was really surprised. felt good to say "I told you so". There was always a similar bike chained a few doors down from my flat. around the corner there was a shop "the no. 1" that in itself was not strange. but there was always a matrix bike chained to the front of the shop. ok maybe thats a coincidence. What was really strange was when a bus with an add for constantine ( movie with keanu reeves ) went driving past just as I was standing there looking at it, It had a big picture of him on the side, that was pretty fucking weird. then there was "trinity" street in town, where there was also a "no 1 shop." and if you looked in the window of the hairdressers there was a stand with bottles of "matrix" shampoo. There was also the tanning shop in dublin on dolier street and another on the keys before you reach o'connel st they both had "matrix" tanning machines in poster in the window. It wasn't just that though I was also playing the matrix online, which was a massively multiplayer online game, which to be honest was kindof shit. but anyway the weirdest thing was the dreams. in the dreams i was neo and I was lucid, lucid meaning that I was aware that i was dreaming and I was in control of the dream to a certain extent. I had many many dreams like this from the age of 20 to about 25. I was able to fly and fought agents and smith and exiles I was able to manipulate matrix code and I was in zion and the matrix. But that wasn't the strangest thing. One day while I was awake I had been messing on my computer. I had recently got some hash, shannon didn't know that i had any. and I smoked a joint when she left for college. I was stoned for a while but then it began to wear off. I was staring into space just looking at the edge of my radiator in my flat and then something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. When I looked up there was a square area on the wall above my hob and below the extraction fan, it was right in front of me. there was green matrix code scrolling down the wall in that square, I stared at it for a few seconds, I wondered if I should get up and touch it, but just as I worked up the courage, it started to fade and then it vanished as though it had never been there. the second it disappeared I started trying to convince myself that it hadn't happened, but I knew it had. that wasn't the only thing though. One time when I was going to sleep I had been awake for about a day and a half I was exhausted shannon had just arrived and I told her I was too tired to stay awake so i lay down and put my head on the pillow as soon as I closed my eyes I started to feel a sensation of being sucked forward and I could clearly see the matrix, the pods the bodies in the pods, I screamed "NO!!!!!" and pushed backwards, pushing myself off the bed at the same time, I had actuallys screamed it out loud and shannon who had been brushing her teeth came in to see what was wrong. I had nightmares of sentinels floating around in front of me, sometimes I would close my eyes and I could see red lights. I was fucking terrified, and you would be too if this happened to you. I remember one night I was so fucking scared of going to sleep that I literally sat there on the floor and begged god jesus or whoever to make it stop, it didn't stop. Another weird thing that used to happen around that time was i would get these kind of jolts in my brain when I was going to sleep. it was like somebody had electrified my brain, it was painful and it was weird, I would be on the verge of sleep and suddenly, bam! it would fry my brain, and I would get really freaked out. I spent a lot of time awake, I barely slept, I barely ate, I looked malnourished, my thighs were so skinny I could almost get my hand around one of them, my ribcage poked out through my skin, my face was gaunt and I looked almost like a junkie, I always wore black clothes and drank a lot of coffee, I could sometimes stay awake two or even three days in a row. the longest I stayed awake was about 3 and a half, when i was going to sleep it was really fucking difficult to get to sleep, just as my eyes were closing i would see this stuff. It was like little bits of reality that flip over really small bits and they would start flipping over and coming towards you, they were white on one side and they looked like reality on the other, really weird it freaked me out so much It too me ages to get to sleep that night.Sometimes when I was playing games weird stuff started happening to the tv, it would flash red for a split second, and I know there was nothing wrong with the playstation or tv. I played the game "the matrix: the path of neo" I didn't know at the time but half of the discs that were made were faulty and wouldn't play, I got lucky and bought it on day one. what was weird is I was listening to rage against the machine playing "bombtrack" on my mp3 player and when I took out my earphones to pay for the game the music in the store was also playing "bombtrack". I cleared the game without much difficulty on every difficulty. then I began to get a bit obsessed. so I spent a lot of time learning all the nuances of each level and I managed to clear the game without dying, which I thought was an achievement. At one point I was able to do the entire smith burly brawl without getting hit at all. I had a matrix dream around that time where in the dream I was beating the crap out of some exiles, I was looking for some kind of information, I grabbed one of them and slammed him against the wall, I told him that if he didn't tell me what I wanted to know I was gonna rip his eyeballs out, and he laughed and asked me why I wasn't playing the game, I told him "because I don't fucking want to". I had one dream where I was in zion, I can't remember too much but It was some kind of celebration, we had just got back from somewhere and everyone was cheering and patting each other on the back. i've had so many dreams I don't remember them all anymore but at one time I could remember tons and tons of dreams I had had about it, I should have written them all down. at one point I went around dublin with a camera and took photos of anything I could find that was related to the matrix. I think i still have them somewhere in rathdowney, they might be in the attic as they were on a cd. Nobody ever believed me, not even shannon, which was heartbreaking. I taught myself programming on my computer that I had built myself. I often caught people looking at me, not that thats peculiar, but it seemed weird at thetime. for a while it was like every time I went outside I would see something relating to the matrix. Loads of movies had refrences to the matrix in them even if they were subtle. all the music I listened to had refrences to the matrix, again barely hidden. I spent my whole time being totally paranoid and scared shitless, I didn't want to live in a lie a dream a simulation, but I had no way of knowing what was on the other side. If anybody was even going come get me, or if i was going to be killed. I was in hospital a few times, but I refused to take medication when they let me out, I knew it was bullshit. The dreams were so real, when I was about 25 they finally stopped. I had a dream in carlow where I was in a pod I could see clearly, It was similar to the movie but a bit different. I turned my head and I could see the pod next to mine, there was a person in it with all the wires sticking out of them, but the interesting thing is, the person was semi-transparent, you could actually almost see through them, it was weird. the a voice said "you are not god!" and I woke up back in my bed. The last dream I had about the matrix was I was talking to an old man and I was neo in the dream, and he was asking me what colour my hair was and stuff like that, after he had finished asking me all the questions, matrix code started running down my vision and the words "oclumency test" came into focus. if you've ever read harry potter you would know that occlumency is what harry uses to get voldemort out of his head, which is weird but anywayz. up until that point i had been having dreams about the matrix almost every night, usually very vivid dreams that I could clearly remember in the morning. but as i said it pretty much stopped all of a sudden when i was in carlow, which is a very short time after i started hearing the voices. I kind of think that maybe the voices were some kind of torture method, not sure what they were trying to achieve, but thats the way it seems. So, you probably don't believe any of that, or you think i'm crazy, I've been around too long to not know what kind of response I will get for this. I know exactly what to expect from you, truth is I don't care what you think, I'm writing this for anyone who is interested in hearing a different perspective. I have since gone on to learn a few different programming languages and also 3d modeling, I have learned as much about computers as I can and I am still learning new things every day, my intention has always been to find a way to get out, I may have got a bit diverted at times, but i have a pretty good understanding of how the whole thing works, that's based on the assumption that they're technology is based on our technology. If you have seen computer games evolution over the last twenty or more years, it's obvious where its going, one day we will probably have games that are indistinguishable from reality, it's practically a foregone conclusion. if you even look at any of the recent tech demo's for games engines they are pretty close not perfect but close. how many more generations until you can't tell the difference? what if it's too late by then? you know what would happen if games were indistinguishable from reality? Panic! mass panic! people wouldn't be able to tell the difference, everybody would start questioning their lives and their reality, it would be a catastrophe. now just pretend this is the matrix, do you think the machines would ever let it get to that point? I doubt it. I've got a feeling that something bad is going to happen, if you read any of the rest of my life story you probably know that it's more likely than not as it seems my life is pretty horrible, in fact I didn't actually realise how horrible it was until I read it over, but now I can see it's really fucking horrible, it's almost a bit fantastical, Like how can all that bad stuff happen to just one guy? its so weird cause I don't actually want to believe that that is my life, but the truth is that it is.