Every day for the past 8 years of my life I felt like I needed to write down something from my life. But then again I also thought how boring my life was.
I am a 20 years old virgin who lives for a fairy-tale love story of her life, who dreams of non-existing men and falls in love with them, because that is what I am doomed to do.
I was raised by my mom and grandmother. My father died in war, and left my mom with 2 small daughters on her own. So my mom with two of us moved into apartment with her parents. They helped her a lot, but now that I am older and more aware of myself, I think that three of us would be better on our own.
Grandma was a teacher, later a housewife, or better said housegrandmawife, she cared about everyone, cleaned, cooked, washed... Grandpa is a difficult 86 yr old man who will remain a mystery for all of us. He is selfish, ex judge who likes to command everyone's life and make himself comfortable by using others, and feeding his soul by others' miseries.
Mom survived a lot. Next to her mother who never knew what "mother" really meant and next to a father who doesn't know about any love at all , she got sick, and survived (thanks to God) few life threatening surgeries. She is still on her two feet fighting for a little piece of heaven.
But sometimes I think that time of peace in her life will only come when grandpa dies (God forgive me). But only his appearance makes me a bad person.
Sister is a bit possessive, difficult to handle, self sensitive person who only sees the worst in others and doesn't bother to try seeing her in not so bright lights. She is the person who never fought for her independence, so I could never be what I really wanted to be, and that is a normal teenager with rebellious attitude and a dream to make a world a better place. But who can blame her for being like that when she had grandparents like ours.
Whole my life I was hampered and I was made laugh of my any attempt to becoming an older person.
Grandma taught me that a world is a cruel place, and that people are only there to use you and walk on you, and so I learned not to go out and meet people, not to go out and live life to the fullest like I should have as a normal teenager who needs freedom. Grandpa taught me how not to express my emotions and how not to make friends or keep them, cause he is the one who hated company and now one leg in grave he is the one who is seeking for company and my sister and me are sitting in the house waiting for someone to make this world a better place.
But I know it is not possible, I know it is just a dream I should have dreamed 5 years ago when my teen years were on the highest and when it was allowed.
Now I am just asking God for a little strength to change my self so I can make this world a better place for me, with my two own hands.