The purpose of writing "In Search of Me" began first as standard journal beginning in 2007 when my husband, Steve, was deployed to the war in Afghanistan.  Little did I know what events would unfold in the year he was gone.  As little things became big and big things escalated into overwhelming, I knew that to help myself cope and to figure things out as they came my way, I should begin a journal.  It was easy at first; each night I spent some time recording the day's events, my thoughts and emotions, my daily challenges, my anxieties and fears over Steve being deployed to war, and the many questions I would ask myself or God, seeking answers I was confident would explain or resolve the issues I was facing.

It wasn't until 2008 when I realized that I was no longer the woman or wife or mother I once was.  Our entire family had changed, the events that took place in 2007 were devastating; I just knew that when my hero would return from the war, he would fix everything.  He was my strength, my encouragement, and my inspiration.  I was falling apart and I hung on just long enough for him to return home and hold me together.  

Things don't always work out as we plan.  My husband returned from Afghanistan in January of 2008, however my world came to pieces when the man who returned to me was no longer the husband I said goodbye to the year before.  The man who returned to me was a stranger...cold, calculating, angry, abusive, unforgiving, and unmerciful.  This stranger looks like my husband, even sounds like him and has the same cherished memories we once shared, but I don't know this man who came home to me.  This man, this stranger came home and instead of my hero coming to the rescue, this man only broke me, crushed my spirit, shattered me to such a degree I fear I will never recover. 

In just four months after returning from the war in Afghanistan, the man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life being in love with and growing old with, had dealt blow after blow after blow until the woman, wife, mother, teacher, and friend I once was no longer existed. By May 1st of 2008, the writer of the journal was lost, blinded by the onslought of relentless attacks against her body, her character, her spirit, her faith, and all she once had a passion for.  The woman who began this journey in 2007 is lost and I am desperately in search of ME.