Daniel Jackson

 
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It Has Been A Rough Year

I am adding this additional chapter to my introduction, because after I initially wrote the introduction, it was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that I have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that I have endured or overcome.  I wish ...


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The Birth of Charles Leonard Wiggins

The story has already been written for awhile on my blog "From the heart of Praise, Prayer and Perseverance. 0; Here is a link to that posting, Below are the pictures of the blessed event.   http://fromthehea rt-dotwigg.blogsp ot.com/2008/03/an other-2-prayer-re quest-answered.ht ml


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Daniel's Story > Chapters > My Entire Life

"I feel like this is the best try I ever tried" 

 

Date Range: 02/07/2014 To 02/07/2014   Comments: 0   Views: 92
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Jamie, aww. These are the things I wished you would have told me always. You told me some brief parts but to go in depth like that laying with me or sitting with me while we talked about it is something I have always wished for and couldn't wait for. Yes I can see how someone would be very damaged by even a small part of any of that and if they weren't then there would be something very wrong with them. Do you know how bad I want to kill the fuck that raped you that long, you give me a name right now and I'll leave you alone forever as I'd be in jail for the rest of my life, not even joking. I fucking hate that so fucking much god damnit. All the things you went through are horrible and to help raise your siblings and come out of that, as much as you went through yourself, just that is pretty amazing in itself. You are so hard on yourself though, way too hard and it causes you to think some very drastic things from fear, which is understandable and it is something that will happen for a very long time. Jamie I picked an extremely strong, tough, beautiful, sweet, innocent amazingly fun and funny woman, even better an incredible mother that I am jealous of, and omg you are so hot you truly don't know unless you do and you're being modest. You have a few very important issues that have to be understood and addressed from very traumatic events that had happened for a long time. But to say you're this fucked up damaged person is wrong. You’re not going to like me saying this but you are wrong about some things. You absolutely can and you absolutely have to get past the damage done to you. You cannot let what has been done win and control your life. You can absolutely trust and you can live normal. There are people you can trust with your life, with your kids, with everything, you absolutely can. I shit you not that if you go see a therapist about any of this. Every single one of them will tell you to think positive, because all that I just said is more than possible and is very very necessary. Every single one of them will tell you that you cannot live like that. Even if the deepest damage has been done, you know deep down that there are ones you can trust who you should trust, you do know deep down that you cannot live in that kind of fear, you know deep down that you cannot live like that. You may be happy enough and content with it now but you cannot let this ride out through your life. Yes it will take time as years of trauma has been done to you, it isn't a short easy process and it is absolutely not something you can do alone nor should you have to. But don't you see that if you let these things stay the way they are, they will always come up to damage you and people around you, I am a good proof of that, and it could good and well end up being your kids at some point too. You think that leaving your husband and bettering that whole situation would hurt them? Yes it would some at first. But the result of what was going to happen from it and why you were doing it would have brought so much more happiness to justify that. Just running back to a comfort zone because the fears become overwhelming is not going to stop or prevent anything. You ended what we had because of the fears, but will the stop the next damaging thing from happening? And the next damaging thing isn't going to be little stuff, they will be huge life changing events that will affect you and your loved ones. THE FEARS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT, I am not saying that, but it is and only is up to you to work on changing those fears. Luckily, you had found someone who you could trust, someone who loved you and would do anything for you and was willing to be there every second of your life for you, willing to go through those things and loving to be part of that with you, that's something most people aren't lucky enough to get. Yes the fears are valid but they are not normal and also very extreme, you have a right to be cautious about all of it as it happened to you, but those are things that normally don't happen and very rare. I didn't know you would let your kids sleep to focus on me and although that is not as terrible as you make it out to be because you recognize it, if I had known, you and I could have talked and easily had a solution, it isn't the end of the world and guess what, we fixed it and now it's even better than ever! Hypothetically speaking just as an example. What if what you're not realizing, which is understandable, but what if the fears from your childhood are preventing you from seeing any good? Preventing the best from happening to and for you and them. What if being a great mother was doing what you were? What if trusting someone is something you need that would do more for you and your kids than not trusting would do? What if your kids could have been more happy than you ever thought possible? Being afraid that a bad man might touch your kids is a valid fear. Being afraid of me doing that? It's like being afraid of getting struck by lightning at the beach during the sunniest days. Yes it could happen and I'm not saying that you're wrong but to be afraid of that to the extreme at all times everyday, you have to see how that should be let go of a little bit especially if the guy you are trusting is me. I am not a normal guy that you see everyday or many times at all throughout a person's lifetime and the same goes for you, you and I both are in our own selves very rare and good people, as good as people get. Both of us have had things happen that shouldn't have. This is one main reason that you and I attracted so hard to begin with. Jamie your fears and concerns never went away with me, but they sure seemed like they did and there has to be a reason for that don't you think? There is a reason why both of us forgot about a lot, my fears of women with children or women who are married or that another woman would hurt me, and your fears of all that we are talking about now went out the window... Why?!? Out off all the people you and I have met in our 30 years, why you and I? Why did you forget about yours and I forgot about mine? If you knew you could never trust, you could never let me be a part of your life, why did you forget about that? It isn't sex, it isn't lust. I fully believe it was deep down for us that we both sensed each other subconsciously, soul mates or whatever, I truly feel that our bodies knew something was right, more right enough in our lifetimes that no matter what… Our fears disappeared to make sure we connected. You laughed like never before, felt good about yourself, happy and I could give you my own lost of what you did for me that I never had before. Just in that little of time less than a year? Imagine what we could've built from that for the both of us but most of all your kids. The possibilities are endless. With what we did for each other, how could those fears even get in the way, there was too much amazing too early on to let that happen, in fact with it being that great for the both of us that early on while being secret, wow, I can't ever see any bad EVER nor can I see the limits of how much more awesome we would've had that was passed along to your kids... Just imagine that!!! Like the greatest love store that writers write about and make millions off of as those are the fantasies people dream of but can't have. But the fears didn't go away as the issues weren't addressed. Still, it was so strong between us that it was more right than ever for us to get close to each other. You think you were being selfish and at times yes we did get a little carried away but that doesn't mean everything should be destroyed over it. Anything great has to be worked for and you have to have heard this before but the best things are the hardest to get… They are what you have to work hardest for. The foundation you and I were going to build,couldn't even start with the first brick until March and probably a little longer after that, the first brick Jamie!!! It was going to be a slow but incredible process where time didn't matter and of course there are bouts. Our priority could've and would've been making sure your kids are happiest first. It is so easy to just say no no too scary and scrap it all before the first blueprints are even drawn up, but if it isn't scary or hard then it isn't worth it and what's better is you and I had each other to work with and to turn to. What if a year after we started to lay down the foundation, your kids were getting better treatment from you than ever before? What if after some time, not only did the have a mother who kept getting happier and happier and better and better, which they would see and would also carry down to them... But the same was happening with their father and what if not only that, but there was an amazing guy, me, who brought a lot of fun and amazing times in their lives including yours and mine, what if in time that guy became a very good friend to them that they could and would trust and turn to if they ever needed when they couldn't with their parents? How blessed to not only have great parents but so much more, another person they could trust to bring happiness and comfort in their lives. That they could talk to especially in teenage years when issues do come up that they will keep from you and their father. That's just part of the growing up process it happens to everyone. What if they would've been privileged more than other kids to have so much more? How come it is only the worst you'll consider? After a few years they won't be as much of kids anymore and your fear of another man or specifically, me touching them would get less and less scary for you as they became young adults which, it's not that far off from now. In the amount of time it took to build just our ground floor of a golden solid foundation, that fear could have not even mattered anymore and low and behold, it never happened. Especially when that guy was me. Jamie you have to trust you cannot be like that and you know you can't. Instead of saying I'm all wrong here, why don't you put a little faith to trust in me some. If I am this omg so smart person that you were attracted to, then let me be smart some and trust me a little bit, at least try to believe I have enough intelligence to be able to grasp this and have a really good view of it. To be scared of me or have gotten that way is a little too much as I believe some of it extends down to the trauma. No I didn't act right at times but the feeling of my incredible love erasing from me and running from me so easily is unbearable. And long ago when all this happened, I did say fear was making you decide on some of these things and fear should never ever be in decisions. That's an online fact too. Jamie, I would do more for you than my own family and "you" includes your kids. Never ever would I have been un faithful, un trustworthy and above all never ever would I lay a hand on you to harm you. The fact that I am even saying that is weird in itself. I have never in my life had to say that. I may not be 100% right about everything but my mission was never and still is never to just please myself, it was always is about you. And I do know for a fact that I am by far way more right than wrong here, way way more. Instead of believing all of the worst things happening, you have to understand that you and I found each other for a reason and before you even let anything happen to show you why, you cut it off based off some extreme fears that may never happen. Things could have been better than you could ever imagine but you had to trust me, you had to talk to me, we could've avoided a lot if we had talked and possibly by now, things could have been starting to get better and better as it has to start first before that could happen. Do you honestly think I would rape your kids when I could barely smack your ass with you telling me and making it clear that it was ok to do so? More than once before I could just do that? How I almost couldn't even sit close enough to touch you while you were alone at my house late at night? You came to my house where we both talked about having sex, wrapped in a blanket to see how long we could resist, we planned on touching each other and having sex that night yet I almost couldn't even sit close enough to to touch you. In fact I remember sitting across the room making fires and even when I came to the couch I was far away to where I had to like lean almost getting on my knees to kiss you because I was so scared of touching your body... A man touching you or your kids is valid beyond valid, but me Jamie? I could barely slap your butt… And last thing, temptation? Hey… this wasn't some fun recreational event in my life. You've seen how drugs effected your family and I have seen drugs kill people I knew at school, I have seen what they are capable of first hand… But what happened to me wasn't some party temptation choice. This was a medical thing to fix a really painful issue with me, not for fun, there is no temptation Jamie. Yes your fear is valid but not in my case, not when what your fearful of doesn’t exist in MY world, it was a thing that happened to others in your world and others in mine, but it isn't my world Jamie. Just like I don't have to fear alcohol being a temptation to you. Better yet, you and I both know the dangers to even be more prepared in talking and preventing to your kids. What's done is done, yes, past is past. But the future is what we make of it and hasn't been written yet. I feel like the first thing that needs to be done here is that you need to stop being so hard on yourself and I truly feel that those very strong and damaging fears of yours are destroying some really great things for you. The shame you have shouldn't be to hurt you and I feel like you resent me some because the shame has to do with you focusing on me, but instead it should be used to show how strong of what we had was and how much we learned to make it better not only for us but for your kids INSTEAD of throwing in the towel and destroying everything because it was a little in-experienced, because you didn't read them a story and a few other things. That was only for a short time, that was recognized and if we had talked, that and more would have been adjusted and been made better, perhaps better than we both could want in our wildest fairytales because lets face it, we had some really awesome times that was something from a love story… Jamie, trust me some. If you yourself admits that the damage done to you have fucked you up then try to see some things from another way other than yours. What if ending us was a mistake? Maybe or maybe not. What if not talking to me afterwards or not keeping me close was an even bigger mistake? And what if going back to Brandon so soon was an even bigger mistake? If your past has fucked you up so much then before closing your eyes and saying everything has been done right to later change your mind that everything is all wrong letting the fears win, trust me enough at least to keep talking to me like this a little more. What will happen will happen but until then just worry about each second for right now. With messages they can at least be read whenever and typed whenever, but talk to me like this some more. Although it is easiest and best to do this face to face, next best is voice, but messaging is better than nothing except they can get long when having good talks likes this. That's not some evil plot to talk to you and destroy you, but yes I wish we could have some time to talk like this easier than messaging, to talk like we haven't done before all this. Talk to me and don't hold back. Really consider what I am saying because what's done is done but we learn from it and it doesn't mean you or I have to be bad, that's what makes us great. I hate that I have hurt you too and I hate some of the things I have done in the process of losing my mind. At one point you had me there for you to be whoever you needed or wanted me to be but you tore it all down and didn't talk or use me like you could have, and before you hurt me so very badly, so badly, you had me willing to go through anything and everything with you, willing to be hidden as your secret as long as you wanted or needed, never to hurt or judge you and get this Jamie... No matter what.. You still do. Just because your focus went more to me at some times over your kids shows that you and absolutely was going to work out better than we had thought. Your focus went to me from love, how would that show otherwise? Now if your focus went FROM me to something else then I could see how we wouldn’t work out. But more focus going to me shows we really had something ready to build, something already that great to take away your focus and fears that it shows we would've worked out better then you and I originally thought. Lol, it isn't the opposite. Knowing just that right there that your focus was taken from your kids and given to me, that right there proves what I'm saying not that we wouldn't work. I feel like it would be a disservice to everyone we know if we didn't finish talking about all this. And you can have guilt for that, you should as I do to, but it doesn't mean WE wouldn't have worked, doesn't mean all the great things should've been destroyed, and doesn't mean we couldn't have made it right and better. On the contrary, we hadn't yet even started, we shouldn't have ended before we even started…



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