Cancer runs in my veins. When I say that, I mean that it's a common family trend. My mother and two of my aunts have had cancer. I also have two disease's that put me at higher risk for getting two different types of cancer. So am I afraid of cancer? Yes. I wonder and worry if it will enter my life every day.

I have always wanted a large family, with lots of children. For as long as I can remember I have wanted between eight and twelve children. I know I want to adopt children as well, because I would love to give children a home with love that they wouldn't have had somewhere else.
But with this disease and fatigue pulliung me back all the time--I don't see how my dream of a family; let alone a LARGE family will ever come true.

I have this wall. I put it up when I meet new people. It allows them to see my face and my clothing and allows them to hear the words that come out of my mouth, but it doesn't let me inside my head or inside my thoughts. I don't let them any closer than that thick wall around me will allow.
I didn't always have that wall.

I started putting it up after I got terribly abused, physically and verbally by my ex-boyfriend, and I stoped trusting people---especially men.
Now I don't know how to let it down. So it's either already down for my friends I've known for years, or never coming down for those of you at first sight.

Trust is something I'm no longer handing out. I am too afraid that someone else will hurt me again if they hold such a powerful treasure.

I think of a few people in my life, sincerely just about ten or so, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself or how to continue on living if they were to die tomorrow.
I have thought about myself dying, and that doesn't scare me as much as thinking about losing someone else that I love and having to continue living on without them in my life.

I have to applaud the people that don't curl up in a ball after a loved-one's death and are able to carry on living day-to-day. When that time comes for me, I honestly don't think that I will be able to handle it rationally.

My family is known for it's addictions to drugs, alcohol, and gambling. I have been lucky enough to not catch onto any of those things......yet.
But I am still fearful.

Everytime I have a glass of champagne or a beer I wonder if having one more is a bad idea. Or if I play poker with my friends and up the anty, am I becoming my father? When at a concert and I am socially smoking am I going to start smoking two packs a week?

I worry about myself--that I will start.
And I worry about my family--that they won't stop.