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Stefani "Top 10" Lists > Things I'm Afraid Of

These are not things that everyone would be afraid of. These are things that I have thought a lot about and worry about constantly.

Comments: 3

  Title Date: 02/16/2010

Cancer runs in my veins. When I say that, I mean that it's a common family trend. My mother and two of my aunts have had cancer. I also have two disease's that put me at higher risk for getting two different types of cancer. So am I afraid of cancer? Yes. I wonder and worry if it will enter my life every day.


I have always wanted a large family, with lots of children. For as long as I can remember I have wanted between eight and twelve children. I know I want to adopt children as well, because I would love to give children a home with love that they wouldn't have had somewhere else.
But with this disease and fatigue pulliung me back all the time--I don't see how my dream of a family; let alone a LARGE family will ever come true.


I have this wall. I put it up when I meet new people. It allows them to see my face and my clothing and allows them to hear the words that come out of my mouth, but it doesn't let me inside my head or inside my thoughts. I don't let them any closer than that thick wall around me will allow.
I didn't always have that wall.

I started putting it up after I got terribly abused, physically and verbally by my ex-boyfriend, and I stoped trusting people---especially men.
Now I don't know how to let it down. So it's either already down for my friends I've known for years, or never coming down for those of you at first sight.

Trust is something I'm no longer handing out. I am too afraid that someone else will hurt me again if they hold such a powerful treasure.


I think of a few people in my life, sincerely just about ten or so, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself or how to continue on living if they were to die tomorrow.
I have thought about myself dying, and that doesn't scare me as much as thinking about losing someone else that I love and having to continue living on without them in my life.

I have to applaud the people that don't curl up in a ball after a loved-one's death and are able to carry on living day-to-day. When that time comes for me, I honestly don't think that I will be able to handle it rationally.


My family is known for it's addictions to drugs, alcohol, and gambling. I have been lucky enough to not catch onto any of those things......yet.
But I am still fearful.

Everytime I have a glass of champagne or a beer I wonder if having one more is a bad idea. Or if I play poker with my friends and up the anty, am I becoming my father? When at a concert and I am socially smoking am I going to start smoking two packs a week?

I worry about myself--that I will start.
And I worry about my family--that they won't stop.

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Member Since
Jun 2009
Stefani K said:
posted on Jul 07, 2010

I am constantly concerned about losing friends. I don't think that they will die, but I think they will leave.
I have had friends in the past leave for various reasons and I still worry that more of them will do the same... I worry that maybe I 'm not a good enough friend or that I don't commit to my friendships enough. But then I wonder if they truly do? I reach out the best I can....but I'm sick and it's difficult.
I just don't want to lose anyone else.

Member Since
Nov 2009
Anna Reeves said:
posted on Aug 16, 2010
There is always light in the darkness

Hi Stefani, 
Was really touched by your sadness in your wondering if there is a way to let joy come into your life again? I say this because I have been through the sad times myself including in an abusive relationship and lost of trust in people...I would take time to recover and then find that the mistake would repeat. Then i changed my thinking and started to focus on what I would love to create in this life. A life of wonderful strong friendships, great fun and being with people that I love. The good stuff! Then things changed. A lot. I still have my moments - but I have to flick the switch of my mind to focus on the joy, then things shift again.  Also a good book about loss and death is Dr Raymond Moody's Life After Life (a classic) or James Van Prague's Meditations...really great lessons from these compassionate souls.
I'm not sure if this helps, but my heart goes out to you.
Lots of love and light Anna

Member Since
Nov 2009
Anna Reeves said:
posted on Aug 16, 2010
I should have read this post!

Hi Stef, 
Well - I should have read your next post Life Lessons - cos it looks like you got them! 
Good for you girl! 
X Anna

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